Ask a Former Fat Girl

Oops, I Did It Again

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 16:01:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GUY WRITES: I'm a current "fat guy"--230 pounds, 5 foot 10 inches. I try to jog and walk to lose weight. But very time lose a few pounds, I feel like celebrating and get so excited that I end up going out to dinner (or overeating) and messing up my progress. This has happened at least 10 times. How can I avoid falling into this trap again?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I'm very familiar with your issue, as I too was often guilty of "excessive celebration," to cleverly whip out a football metaphor. Unfortunately, this penalty's not assessed in yards, but pounds.

The best way to keep your celebrations from sabotaging your success? My advice:

1. First, set mini goals, and only celebrate when you achieve them. It sounds as if you may be rewarding yourself whenever you see some movement on the scale. You'd probably benefit from taking a more systematic approach to your weight loss, which would keep you from having a food fest whenever you feel like it. So, for instance, make it a goal to lose, say 5 pounds before you celebrate. Or consider rewarding yourself for the behaviors that lead to weight loss and getting healthier, like exercising consistently or eating a minimum of five servings of vegetables a day, or whatever. When you reward behaviors rather than weight lost, you're more likely to make those behaviors a permanent part of your lifestyle. Make sure the goals you set are challenging yet realistic.
2. Make a list of rewards that don't involve food/drink. A round of golf? Bowling with the guys? A trip to the Bass Pro Shop? Sorry for the testosterone-fueled stereotypes, but you get the picture, I hope. When you think about it, there are probably many ways to celebrate that you'd enjoy more than scarfing down burgers and beers. I think sometimes we just get lazy and rely on food because it's safe … it's known … it's easy. Brainstorm things that will really make you feel like you've achieved something special. For instance, I would love an afternoon alone with a book and no house to clean or emails to answer or laundry to be done. Or a pedicure. Or a movie that doesn't involve animated characters or robotic assassins in a real theater.
3. Forgive yourself and move on. Say that, despite my extremely helpful advice, you fall into the excessive celebration trap again. Don't let one night throw you off track completely. One of the things that keep us from losing weight and getting healthy for good is this all-or-nothing thinking: If I can't stick with my diet/exercise plan 24-7, then I might as well give up altogether. One overindulgent meal shouldn't undo all the hard work you've done—don't let it. Shake it off and start fresh the next day. To borrow from the gridiron again, one fumble doesn't lose the game, unless you let it.

I hope this helps. And good to hear from a guy for a change! Despite the column's name, we are an equal-opportunity operation. So keep the questions coming!

Lisa D

No Visible Means of Support

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:22:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I get a lot of grief from people about dieting. Comments such as, "You look hungry. Why don't you eat something"? Or, "You're going to wither away to nothing.” Why do people say stuff like this? I'm doing this the healthy way. I've lost 45 lbs since June, and I would think people would be more supportive. What gives?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Cheers to you for dropping pounds the healthy way! (At least you can always count on me for support.) You are not alone in finding out that the people around you aren’t always the best cheerleaders when you’re losing weight. I had the same issue: the “pushers,” as I called them, pushing food on me after I’ve mustered up all my willpower to say “no,” or the well-meaning (or not) questions about whether I was exercising too much. Like you, I was mystified, and even angry. After all my failed attempts at losing, how could the people around me NOT be supportive? Well, I’ve got a few theories about why, and some advice for handling the situation.
--They feel threatened. You play a certain role in your friends and family’s lives, a role that they’ve likely become comfortable with. Your losing weight is a sign that you’re changing, you’re perhaps becoming more independent, developing new interests, growing into a different role. I’m not saying that our weight defines us, but for me, I know it played a major part in who I was (and continues to). People closest to us may be afraid that we will become someone they can no longer relate to—or that they’ll somehow lose us to this new, thinner life of ours.
--They don’t know how to love you anymore. My Dad used to prepare a special steak dinner for me every time I visited home. That was his way of welcoming me, of showing his love for me. When I stopped eating meat altogether (I was a vegetarian for a time), it completely threw him off. He didn’t know how to express his feelings for me any more (words, alas, were not an option in our house!). Over time, he became more comfortable with the new noncarnivorous me, but until after trying to persuade me to have “just a bite.”
--Your success makes them feel like failures. Friends and family who also have weight issues may feel more pressure to succeed themselves, or more daunted by their less-than-successful attempts to drop the pounds.

I’m sure there are many other reasons. This is the perfect time to discuss this topic, as many of us will be around family and friends—and tons of food—at the same time. Passing up seconds on family favorites may raise an eyebrow or two, or even incite a major discussion about your dieting history (speaking from experience here). I was angry about this kind of stuff until I realized that for the most part, people’s intentions are good—they simply don’t mean to undermine me when they question my choices. I learned to be as unobtrusive about what I was eating as possible. I stopped explaining myself when I skipped dessert or chose a healthy entrée. You know, “I’ll just have a salad. I’m on a DIET.” Why announce it to the world? You’re only inviting comment.

I also—and this was tough for me—perfected the laughing response. So instead of getting defensive (“BELIEVE me, I eat!”), I just laugh and smile, refusing to get into a verbal sparring match. I still have to use these techniques even now. I’ve found that, for some reason, people feel like they have license to comment on what’s on my plate—or what’s not—while I would never comment on an overweight person’s food choices. Hey, it’s only food, and what I eat is my business. If there was someone who I felt was particularly unsupportive, I avoided being in food situations with him or her. Unfortunately, I did have some emotional “break ups” with friends over the new direction my life was taking. As hard as that was, I truly believe it was necessary.

Don’t let someone else’s issues keep you from doing what you know is right for yourself. This is perhaps one of the most difficult barriers to losing weight for good that you will encounter—harder than kicking your Oreo habit. If you can learn to laugh off the comments, you’re way ahead of the game.

Lisa D

Help! Marriage is Making Me Fat!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:14:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I recently got married, and as a stay-at-home wife, I have gained 10 pounds in the last 4 months. One of the reasons was that I was baking almost every day to pass the time. But I also increased my running from 30 minutes, 3 days a week to a full hour 3 days a week and 30 minutes running/30 walking two days a week. It seems like this has made me gain weight, also--I didn't lose any pounds and my legs are definitely bigger. If I continue to pursue running, even though I'm watching my calories like a hawk and only baking once a week, will running make me bigger? As in, huge legs, hips, butt?--Beth

DEAR FUTURE FFG: It's funny--I talk to many women who struggle with their weight who admit to a baking habit too. Ever since I got my Easy Bake Oven when I was five, I was a big baker--mostly because I wanted to eat the stuff. I still love to bake but don't do it very often, for obvious reasons. I don't want to deal with the siren call of warm home-baked cookies, tempting me to have Just. One. More. Baking, as you've found, is NOT a Former Fat Girl-approved hobby. Running, though, is. But the funny thing about exercise is that it often fools us into thinking we can eat more--the more we exercise, the more we tend to eat, perhaps because we feel like we deserve a reward. There's actual research to back this up, which led a Time magazine writer to pen a recent column arguing that exercise does not make you thinner. I have to disagree, because it is one of the key things that worked for me. But it MUST be paired with healthy eating habits. Because we know there's the tendency to eat to compensate for exercise (and therefore cancel out any weight-loss benefits), it's important to, as you say, watch your calories like a hawk. I would go even further and suggest you keep a brutally honest food diary, where you write down EVERY MORSEL you put in your mouth (yes, even a swipe of cookie dough). Get an honest assessment of your intake, and you may see why you're not reaping the benefits of running. You should see some results from your increase in running, and not the ones you're describing. Running may build up the muscles in your legs, but as long as you aren't continuing to put on body fat due to dietary indiscretions, I can't see any reason why it should make your hips and bottom larger.

Lisa D

The Perfect Problem

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:12:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: How do you overcome the guilt of actually taking some of your own time back for yourself? How do you make yourself realize that the world is not going to spin off its axis if your house isn't sparkling, if your kids have to eat a happy meal every now and again, or if your husband has to take the kids to football practice or Cub Scouts? When I ask for help, I feel like a total failure for not being able to take care of everyone and everything around me. I have been trying to exercise six days a week, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just go back to my old couch-potato ways.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Your questions are at the root of the reason why so many women give up on trying to live a healthy lifestyle--the guilt involved in saying "no" to others and "yes" to ourselves and our own needs, and the perfectionism that fools us into believing that everything would fall apart if we let go and let others help us. The fact is that you get some of your value--maybe much of it--from thinking that the kids would be total hooligans if you weren't constantly with them, that the house would be condemned if you weren’t cleaning, cleaning, cleaning all the time, that the "Good Mom" brigade would strip you of your rank if you chose your fitness class over sitting through soccer practice. This might sound like tough love, but believe me, I struggle with this too. It's the thing that's hardest for me now, all these years after losing my weight--even harder than resisting an Oreo cookie.

When I'm wrestling with these issues, I call on some of the role models for women I know who somehow manage to treat themselves right without an ounce of guilt about it. I try to think, "What would Ellen do?" (Ellen is one such friend.) Are there women in your life you can look to as role models? Or could you even imagine a powerful female figure to channel when those feelings of guilt and perfectionism threaten to throw you off track? For instance, do you think Meredith Viera would let herself go to pot because she was afraid to let her house get a little dusty? (OK, I know she probably has household help, but you get my point.)

I try to "act as if" I was someone who doesn't feel those feelings of guilt, who expects her partner to happily share the load, who doesn’t beat herself up for her imperfections. And then, I ask for help. I leave the dishes in the sink. I tell my husband I can't do Cub Scouts because of my yoga class. And then, I realize that the earth didn't move, no one outed me as a "bad mom," and my family still loves me, as imperfect as I am. That's all I--we--can do.

Lisa D

Getting Your Sexy Back

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:17:00 +0000

A FUTURE FFG ASKS: I was overweight until I was 16, when I peaked at 206 on the scale. I went down to 150 in the course of a year. Now, at 23, I weigh a healthy 135. Here's my problem: I have zero confidence with men. The only time I feel sexy is when I feel "wanted" by a man, and even that's not working for me right now. It's becoming a problem with my current boyfriend of two years. I am confident in just about every other way. How can I go from feeling sex-less to sexy?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: What you're describing is pretty common among the Former Fat Girls I've talked to--including me. It was so inconceivable to me that anyone would find me attractive that I think I was probably asked out a zillion times without my knowing it. You know, like when the guy says, "You like Mexican food? I LOVE Mexican food." (Hint, hint!) And you go off on a tangent about how much you love Casa Gorda's cheese dip and margaritas, but that they're not as good as the place down the street, and besides, a Mexican restaurant is only as good as their guacamole, and yadda yadda yadda. Completely neutralizing the conversation, sucking all the sexual tension out of the exchange.

It took time for me to stop treating every guy I met like a buddy. I lost my weight in my late 20s, and didn't meet my husband until I was 37. (Hopefully, that little fact won't completely depress you.) But I really didn't recognize that I had a problem until late in my process. The fact that you're seeing it now, at your age, gives you an advantage. There is also an increased recognition that women with weight issues can have related problems with their sexuality--and therapists who can deal with those issues specifically.

Other than therapy, though, here are a few ideas to help you get in touch with your inner Beyonce.

Dance with your man. Long before Dancing With the Stars, I stumbled onto this secret. My husband and I actually met dancing, and dancing was a huge part of our courtship. I'm not talking about the impersonal moves of the 80s and 90s. I'm talking about partner dances that force you to actually touch each other, even look into each other's eyes. The waltz. Salsa (bonus for hip shaking!). The cha cha. Swing. You can find ballroom classes at anywhere from your Y to community center to the iconic Fred Astaire. Any time I feel like our relationship needs a bit more spice, I get a sitter and we go dance. It's the best remedy.
Do Zumba, bellydancing, or (don't judge) pole dancing. Zumba, a fitness class that mixes everything from hip-hop moves to the Charleston has swept the nation because, frankly it's fun. But it also gets your hips swingin' and your bootie shakin'. Even though it's normally taught in your typical aerobics room, you can come away feeling like you've just took a turn as a chorus girl in a Broadway musical. (Hey, that's an idea: Zumba, The Musical!) Slip on one of those little fitness skorts so you feel more feminine doing it--I've found that helps. You can also find bellydancing classes just about anywhere--it's great for your abs and back, and I don't think I need tell you how sensual the dance can be. In recent years, pole dancing has become popular as a fitness class (believe it or not), and I know specifically of breast cancer survivors who have used the pursuit to help them get their mojo back after feeling robbed of their femininity after mastectomy.
Dress up. I'm not saying go formal if the occasion doesn't call for it. But I've found that when I'm feeling bad about myself, I stop trying. I wear my comfy jeans, my drab jackets ... I try to fade into the background. Try wearing more feminine silhouettes--dresses and skirts, those wonderful flowy sweaters everyone's showing right now, heels (even little kitten heels). Trade in the baggy p.j. pants for a short little nightgown, even if it feels weird. And wear makeup. You might even want to go take advantage of the free makeovers regularly offered at department store counters, and/or have a store's personal shopper pick out some styles you'd never think to try on. You never know, that might help you "see" yourself in a new, sexy, way.
Try therapy. If you do opt for therapy, someone who specializes in counseling women with eating disorders would probably be very good at helping you get over this issue.

Lisa D

What's the Plan, Man?

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 18:23:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I have been battling my weight for years. I have tried every diet & even underwent weight loss surgery (lap-band) in 2005 only to have it removed in 2007 due to medical complications. I don't know what plans to follow anymore as far as my eating goes. Any suggestions? I don't think you mention any one particular plan in your book and I was wondering what you did to lose your weight.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Thanks so much for your note. I know it can be completely confusing to find a good plan ... good meaning one you can stick with! One of the key things I did was focus on exercise first ... without changing my diet. I think it was really important for me to build that habit and start to see myself as someone who could be active, who could exercise, that fitness could actually be a natural part of my life ... it helped me stay positive and open my mind to the idea that maybe I could really change. I eventually did go on Weight Watchers, which I think is a really sensible plan. It is different now than it was back in the dark ages when I did it, but the concept is still the same ... it emphasizes portion control and eating a wide variety of foods. I really learned what exactly a serving is ... and began to see my daily food intake as a kind of budget ... that I had a set amount of servings (I guess they are points now) to "spend" over the course of a day. I still--20 years later--use this strategy to stay on track. So, that's it. It's my feeling that a good plan is key, but what's going on in your head and how you handle yourself in life is just as important on your journey to a healthy weight. Best of luck to you--there are a lot of us out there cheering you on!

Lisa D

Friends, Not Food!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 21:27:00 +0000

A FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I am a working mom in a community of stay-at-home moms. I work a lot and have crazy schedule, so it's not always easy to meet or maintain good friendships. How do I combat the loneliness--other than by eating it away?

Dear FFG: Ah. The story of my life! I have to admit--I have felt that way too. Right now in particular, I am pretty much starving for my old running group in Birmingham. Did you notice I used the word "starving"? I really think that many of us hunger for other things and food is the handiest way to fill up ...

So--a few ideas. First--don't completely count out the stay-at-home moms. I mean, many of the ones I know have even crazier schedules. One of my running group got up to run with us at 5 even after both her kids were way into elementary and high school.

Which brings me to ... I have always found exercise to be a great way to meet people, maybe even the best way as you're more likely to connect with soon-to-be FFGs and FFGs themselves who can support your efforts. Even if you're not into group exercise (or Group X, as the fitness lingo goes), why don't you give it a try? Early morning classes or gym-visits in particular will probably help you find other women in your same situation ... either too busy to do exercise at more acceptable hours or insomniacs.

That is the way I have met some of my very best friends in my post-college days ... especially once I became an FFG and realized the importance of having healthy people around me as much as possible. I am actually dealing with this right now as I need to recreate my life in Nashville ... putting feelers out to find fitness companions, dusting off my "it's an adventure" attitude and being willing to invite relative strangers to go running or riding or walking with me (or horn in on their group). It is not easy, but it's doable. I can tell you all the other things you probably already know--join clubs, go to PTA meetings, ask people to go to coffee after, etc. But maybe the most important thing I can say is ... use INO to give you the kick in the pants you need to get out there and initiate some activities with new people. Use INO to help you trim your schedule and put yourself and your need for new friends first. Friends are not luxuries in life--they are necessities. Once we remind ourselves of that and put making and fostering friendships in the right priority in our lives, we might be surprised to "find" some extra time in those crazy schedules.

I hope that helps.
Lisa D

Wanted: Results--Now!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:41:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I have been working out almost every day for 2 months and NOTHING!I am frustrated. I want to start Michael Thurmond's 6-week body makeover. Have you ever heard of it? He used to be with the Biggest Loser. Basically, he says that certain foods will step up your metabolism, and with exercise you can lose weight effectively and keep it off. Its not that expensive and I feel I need to do something, anything! Please tell me what you think.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I certainly understand your frustration at not seeing results after working out for two months. But ... are you sure nothing has changed? I guess I'm wondering how you are measuring results. How much weight do you have to lose? You may be replacing fat with muscle and therefore not seeing much of a bump on the scale, particularly if you are only 20-30 pounds overweight.

Are your clothes fitting differently? Do you see more definition? Do you feel better about yourself? The danger in measuring progress only by looking at the scale is that the scale can't really detect everything that's going on inside your body ... or your head ... which is where a big part of the transformation needs to happen if you are to become a Former Fat Girl.

Anyway ... I am not familiar with the program you mention. And, frankly, there are few (legal) quick ways to boost your metabolism. But your body may need something of a jolt. I do know that the Biggest Loser trainers tend to be sort of extreme, but also pretty knowledgeable, and I think the programs they put in their books are fairly safe (they typically adapt the ones on the show so they can be done by people who don't have personal trainers).

So, I would say give it a try. But please be patient with yourself and your body. We don't become Fat Girls in body or mind overnight ... and so we can't expect to become Formers instantly, either. Part of the thing that makes it difficult for us to lose weight is our inability to forgive ourselves for messing up, our need for quick results. Real change (which is, I think, what you want) takes time. You might not want to hear this ... but it's true. I truly believe that you can do it if you are patient, if you give yourself credit for trying, and if you focus on the inner transformation as well as the outer.

Best of luck to you on your journey.
Lisa D

Boost that Metabolism!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Tue, 13 May 2008 15:15:00 +0000

A FUTURE FFG WRITES: I had my son two years ago and he'll be 3 this October 6th. I went to the doctor and asked them what I could do to help myself get rid of this weight. I am 5'7" and as of my visit yesterday weigh 254lbs. The most I have ever weighed was 270lbs. I had blood work done and found that I have a borderline over active thyroid however my metabolism is so slow that I practically don't have one at all so everything I eat sticks. However is there anything I can do to kickstart my metabolism without having to take medication? I am walking now to get into shape. I want to be able to run after my son and play with him with no problem. Do you have any advice for me on how to get my metabolism boosted?

DEAR FUTURE FFG:Thank you so much for writing. I can completely understand where you are ... wanting so much to be healthy for your son. To me, the fact that he is your motivation may just make the difference for you--that it's more about being active enough to have fun with him than about getting down to a certain size. The fact is that we don't have to be super-skinny to enjoy life ... we just have to be strong enough to carry ourselves through life comfortably, to run and play and pick him up and hold him as long as we can (mine is six, and he's getting REALLY heavy ... so I am in the gym lifting weights so I can still lift him up! I don't want to let go of that ...!).

It is great that you are under a doctor's care for your thyroid/metabolism. But as far as boosting your metabolism--I would just focus on building up your endurance and strength through walking. You didn't mention what your walking routine is, but usually the best tactic is to build up a good base ... start with 20-30 minutes 3-5 times a week ... and do that for at least six weeks. At that point, check in with yourself: Has the walking gotten easier? Do you know you can handle the 30 minutes without a problem? If not, keep up your base routine ... until you do feel like you can handle the effort. You need that foundation to build on.

Once you have that, you can try a couple of things to build your metabolism:
--strength training: a good weight lifting routine can help you increase your lean muscle mass and boost metabolism. You could actually start this now if you want ... I would recommend a place like Curves or a beginner circuit class at the Y. Or, get a one-time session with a trainer to learn a good routine tailored to your needs (and if you have the $$$, by all means sign on for more!). The thing about strength training is that it gets your core muscles in shape so you feel more powerful while walking ... and stronger leg and core muscles in particular can keep you from having achy knees and back pain. Try to train a minimum of twice a week ... maybe after a shorter walk if you can.
--walking intervals: alternating short bursts of maybe 2-3 minutes at a faster pace, with an equal amount of time at your normal pace to recover--do this for your 30 minute workout once or twice a week
--walk/run intervals: simply run instead of walk during the faster portions of your interval workout
--hill repeats: find a hill in your neighborhood and power walk up it 3-5 times during your walk ... you can do this a couple of times a week
--cross training: Spinning is a great thing to work into your routine ... it's a hard, sweaty workout that gets you off your feet and burns a ton of calories, but since you are in charge of setting your bike's resistance, it's really tailored to your fitness level.

Once you have a good base for walking, it's a great idea to keep switching it up a bit to keep your metabolism on its toes. Think of these options as sort of a cafeteria line--each week you can pick and choose from them.

I know this sounds like it will take a ton of time ... but it will be worth the investment. A basic strength routine should only take about 20 minutes ... I admit, I have trouble finding the time to do that and cardio, but when I do it, I am so much happier because my back doesn't hurt after I run!

I hope this helps. You are completely on the right track with walking and seeking your doctors' help. Keep looking ahead at your goal ... to be a healthy mom for your son. You can do it ... I know you can.

Lisa D

FFGs Do Disney!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:41:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Dear Lisa,
Are there any pointers you can give about how we soon-to-be-Former-Fat-Girls can eat responsibly, choose wisely and avoid temptation at major theme park restaurants?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: A tough one! Believe me, I have done Disney, and was appalled at the lack of healthy choices. Then again, this was about 3 years ago, and things may have gotten better since. But here's the thing: The challenges at theme parks aren't all that different from the challenges you face any time you are traveling or otherwise spending an extended period of the day away from home. You are out of your routine. You are away from your own kitchen. You are not in control of the menu. So ... how do you have fun without blowing it? Here's my take:

--Know what you're getting into. Prepare your head for the environment you'll be facing ... and do a bit of research (don't go crazy, now), just to see what kind of healthy choices are available. Lots of unexpected places post menus on the Internet ... and while I can't attest to their accuracy, it isn't a bad idea to just see what you can find. For instance, check out this unofficial site on Disney. All you Disney experts out there--let us know if these menus are the real thing!

--Eat a healthy breakfast. I know, BORING! But the point is ... you know you're going to face all kind of gastronomic challenges during the day. So eat super-healthy at breakfast. Think whole grains, lean protein, lowfat dairy, and fruit (as in my favorite combination of Cheerios and Kashi Go Lean Crunch! cereal with skim milk and a side of sliced strawberries ... or a scrambled egg and whole wheat toast with strawberries ...). Whatever you do, DON'T SKIP breakfast thinking that you'll "bank" the calories for later. You will run out of steam quick and be making a beeline for the nearest funnel cake stand! (I speak from experience.)

--Make an indulgent decision. OK, so you KNOW you are entering the Magic Kingdom of Calorically Extravagant Cuisine. And hey--this is vacation, so you deserve to let loose a little. The key is, "a little." Tell yourself you can have ONE splurge (INO to have more!) and then decide how you are going to "spend" it. Is it the burger and fries at lunch, or a Ben & Jerry's for dessert? Or a double-fudge brownie from the Main Street Bake Shoppe? I know that I'm the type who wants something sweet--I can handle a grilled chicken sandwich (no mayo, half the bun) at lunch if I know I get to have a sugar cone later.

--Eat light otherwise. Most of these places have grilled chix, entree salads, etc on the menu. They may be outrageously priced, but what isn't?

--BYOSnacks. I believe in dining defensively. So I always carry a healthy food stash with me to help when my blood sugar bottoms out and the only thing in reach is a corn-dog kiosk (DANGER!). For instant energy, I love those mini boxes of raisins and airplane bags of peanuts (I always ask for two and keep one in my purse)--each is just a mouthful, enough to tide me over till I find some real food. 100 calorie packs are great, but make sure you choose ones with fiber in them (Wheat Thins, South Beach Wheat Crackers) to help keep you full. I also love these crunchy little All-Bran Snack Bites... they're cinnamony and good. I think a bag is 160 calories ... so it's a bit more substantial but full of fiber so you will stay full longer.

--Wear good walking shoes ... and use them. The thing about theme parks: There's a lot of walking, a lot of standing, a lot of screaming and laughing (which burns more calories than, say, meditating). So navigating the place is a workout in itself. Make sure you take any and all opportunity to be active during the day, and wear good shoes so your aching feet don't sabotage you. The fact is, you are probably going to be more active in a day at Disney than on a normal day at home (including your workout time). You may want to wear a pedometer to see how much ground you cover ... that might ease your mind if you start feeling guilty about that piece of fudge from Ye Ole Candy Shoppe on Main Street, USA.

--Forgive yourself. It's one day. Or three days ... in a whole lifetime. Know that you will be out of your element for the run of your time at the park, and that once it is over, you can go back to your FFG plan full-force. Remember, becoming an FFG is a JOURNEY. Disney, or Sea World, or Knotts Berry Farm, or Dollywood ... that's only a diversion, a pit-stop on the road to where you want to be. Don't let it take you off track permanently. YOU are the driver. YOU CAN get back into the race--and still win. (Where did these NASCAR allusions come from?)

I hope this helps! Go on the scariest rollercoaster for me!

Lisa D

Woman on the Run

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 15:52:00 +0000

FROM ALLI: First of all, I wanted to tell you how much I love your book. Your advice is great and delivered in such a charming and straight-forward way! I'm convinced that this time will be different for me. I'm taking it slow, not trying to do everything at once. I started running like you did. So far, I've been doing 1 mile, 3 times a week. I was wondering what your running schedule was when you started, or what you would recommend. How long did you run 1 mile, and when do you think I should add more? I don't want to do too much too soon, only to give up in a few weeks, but I want to continue challenging myself. Thank you for all your help!
DEAR ALLI: Thanks so much for your kind words ... "charming" is not a word I have often used to describe myself! (But you know how hard us FFGs are on ourselves!) And I'm so excited that I may have, in some way, brought another runner into the ranks. And you are so right to start slowly. The rule of thumb in exercise is to increase your effort no more than 10% each week. Now, I am horrible at math. But that is something like a half a lap on a quarter-mile track, or .13 (rounded up) of a mile if you're on a treadmill. But to make it easier, I might try bumping up your distance every two weeks by about a quarter mile. You also might want to consider running for time rather than distance. Now, that's not what I did ... but I was making it up as I went along. There are some great running coaches who advocate taking a 20-minute chunk of time, say, to start, and then doing a walk-run thing to cover the distance (run for 2 minutes, walk for 1 minute, etc). Then, your goal is to get to the point where you can run the entire 20 minutes. Here's a 5K training program that explains it much better than me!

Whichever way you go, the caveat is ... be VERY careful to listen to your body as you're challenging yourself. Make sure you have good, quality shoes that are well cushioned, and if you start having trouble, stick at your current mileage (or go back to the walk/run thing) until you feel more comfortable. You GO girl! Please let me know how you are doing!

Lisa D

Getting Your Fill

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:01:00 +0000

FROM JEN: I have been reading your book and saw that you started exercise before changing your eating habits. How long do you recommend just exercising before adding in the nutrition? I have started walking outside every night for an hour and mall-walking during the day three times a week for a half hour. I try to make sensible choices, but I have a large appetite and eat in large quantities. In fact, that has been what has sparked the need for a change. I've noticed that no matter what I eat, I don't feel satisfied. I don't mean that I'm hungry, it's like the food didn't fill up whatever I am trying to fill. I realize this is an emotional issue and I need to look at what is missing. But, I know that if I try to change too much in the beginning, adding in a strict low-calorie diet to the new routine of exercising, I will fall off the wagon. Any advice would be appreciated.

DEAR JEN: Thanks for writing. It sounds to me like you are doing exactly what you need to do ... focusing on committing to exercise as a start. I really waited about a year before getting serious about my diet, which is when I went on Weight Watchers. I think everyone is different, though. To me, the important thing is for you to start FEELING a change inside before you begin to make too many dietary changes. I had really started to feel powerful, less like a victim of my appetite (and I can totally relate to the need to eat big portions!) before I did Weight Watchers. By the time I did WW, I had started running, and really challenging myself, working towards goals and seeing myself as being successful. I'm thinking that you might benefit from finding a plan that gives some structure to your exercise program--that gives you goals to work toward. Seeing yourself reaching those goals might help you "fill" what's missing inside ... or at least get you closer to identifying what it is that you really need.

I think that those of us who overeat often have needs and feelings we can't really identify. I remember a therapist once asking me how I felt about a huge issue in my life ... and I couldn't even answer her. I was so focused on figuring out how other people around me were feeling that I had no clue how I felt, what I needed, what I wanted. I didn't go to therapy when I was in my intensive weight-loss mode, but AFTER I lost ... and I still had this issue. So it is extremely common, I think.

So, my advice is two-fold: First: Stick with your exercise plan, but look for a goal to work toward. Here are a couple of suggestions:
--Sign up for a 5k walk and train for it. Lots of great walks are coming up, especially in May ... here is a training program by a guy named Hal Higdon, a great running/walking coach.
--Schedule a walking vacation. When you're making your summer vacation plans, focus on "walkable" cities and use the 5k training plan above to "train" to be a tourist.
--Walk with other moms. "Strollercize" fitness classes are all the rage. Check out this article in Health magazine about the trend, and see if there's a group in your area.
--Walk a marathon. Now, this might sound crazy--and I know you have a baby, so it will be tough to carve out the time. But I want to plant this seed. Women all over the world are walking marathons, many through Team in Training, a group that raises money for the Leukemia Society. Here is a link for them. Also, here is a link to a training program from Mark Fenton, a friend of mine and expert walking coach.

Second ... to address the emotional side ... you might want to consider therapy or a support group like Overeaters Anonymous. I hope this doesn't offend you ... I know some people don't like to think that they need this kind of help. As I said, I didn't really seek help until after I lost the weight, and I have seen therapists off and on now for about 18 years, mostly to help me through rough spots in my life. I have always felt like therapy is an extra infusion of strength--it helps shore me up when I doubt myself, and affirms what I already know about myself but may just be too afraid to admit it to anyone else.

Thanks again for writing and be strong ... you are moving in the right direction. Keep believing in yourself!

Lisa D

Considering the Couch

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 18:57:00 +0000

FROM ASHLEY, OF BONNIE SCOTLAND (WRITING IN THE GUESTBOOK): I am about to embark on losing 100 lbs. How easy will it be for me to pinpoint why I eat? Can I overcome this without going to see a therapist, for example? My doctor today laughed me out of the surgery. When I said I need help, his retort was "use small plates." Is it that simple? Please - some advice!

DEAR ASHLEY: First, if I ever make it across the pond again, can you put me up? I have never been to Scotland! And while I'm there, I would love to visit your doc and give him a good kick in the ... shins. He is probably a very good doctor in many ways, but he obviously doesn't understand the emotional issues that drive good girls like you and me to overeat. (I am, of course, kidding about the kick ... I rarely resort to physical violence.)

To be fair, I used (still do) small plates. I exercise all varieties of portion control. But all of those typical dieting techniques are just Band-Aids if you don't try to work through what's going on in your head.

I did much of that work on my own. One of the keys for me was starting with exercise--not because it burns calories, but because it started me down the path of believing in myself. I started feeling like ... hey, if I can do this Jazzercise thing (and they do have it in Scotland ... I googled), maybe I can get unstuck in other areas of my life. I started believing that I CAN ... because I saw myself doing something I had never really done before. I really feel like I built a positive foundation, a sturdy platform of self-esteem that allowed me to, a year and a half or so later, tackle the diet part of the issue.

Many times before, I'd focused JUST on what I was eating, or tried to do both at the same time. And that never worked. It was too hard--and completely negative. All I was doing was saying NO, I CAN'T to all of those fabulous foods that had kept me such good company for so long.

So exercise gave me that mental push ... it was therapy in motion for me. But I have to say that had I been able to afford a therapist at that time in my life, it would have been helpful. I did go to therapy after I had lost most of my weight, and then off and on for years, up until recently. Mostly what therapy does for me is to affirm my instincts, to tell me it's OK to put myself first, to show me where I am losing my boundaries and need to stand my ground--whether with food or people or work or whatever. The therapists I have stuck with longest both have experience treating compulsive overeaters, and both are women who understand how hard it is for women to say no, to put their health and wellbeing at the top of their to-do list. Just having their affirmation was worth the $80/hour fee.

You, Ashley, have a road ahead of you. I am here for you; the community of Former Fat Girls and Future Former Fat Girls is here for you. I do believe it's possible to overcome overeating over time (hey, that's "over" overkill). But the right kind of support at the right time is, as they say in the Mastercard commercials, priceless. If therapy is an option (ie, if you have the $$s), I would keep it in your back pocket to pull out if/when you need it. Stay in touch with how you're feeling, whether you're making progress (not just on the scale--in your behaviors and motivation), and if you start having trouble, consider the couch. Er, the therapist's couch--not the one in front of the TV.

Bon voyage ... stay strong on your journey--

Lisa D

Trying Times

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 22:38:00 +0000

KATIE (WRITING IN THE GUESTBOOK): Do you think anyone can lose the excess weight, or do you think some people really can't, or shouldn't try, because of genetics, or medical reasons?

DEAR KATIE: Hmmm. I was telling someone the other day that if I had to write my book all over again, I would add an eighth secret (although seven sounds snappier, huh?). And that eighth secret would be: Make It Your Goal to Just Try. The point of this secret is that if your goal is to drop a certain number of pounds, or to get into a particular dress size, then there's a good chance you won't get there and STAY there. And that's what we all want to do, right?

The goal, instead, should be to Just Try. To adopt those behaviors that get you to that healthy weight ... to eat right, to be active, to take time out just for you. Making those things the goal means that a) you will walk around feeling more successful, because you have much more control over whether you go for a 30 minute walk today than what the scale will say the next time you step on it; and b) you will be HEALTHIER, no matter what your size.

So ... do I think some people shouldn't try? Well, if you have a medical problem (say, a heart condition) that might make exercise dangerous, then you need to talk to your doctor about how to deal with that. And if you are severely overweight, have family members with serious health issues, or otherwise have any reason to think making healthy lifestyle changes could be bad for you, you should consult a doctor and/or get a professional to help you design an eating and exercise plan.

I think the underlying question here, though, is ... should you not try if you think you might fail? Well, if you are truly approaching this as a Future Former Fat Girl, then trying IS your goal. So you only fail if you fail to try. Is that confusing enough for you?

Meet Ya in the Caf

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 23:20:00 +0000

LEIGH (POSTING ON THE GUESTBOOK) WRITES: I was just wondering if you had any tips for college students who have to eat in the cafeteria.

DEAR LEIGH: My Number One Tip: DON'T DO IIIIIITTTT!

Just kidding.

Your question had me reminscing about my days in the caf. This was an old-style caf, basically a hot food line and some poor excuse for a salad bar (mostly used as a bunker during food fights, as it separated one half of the cavernous room from the other). The hot food was the cliche slop--UFOs (Unidentified Fried Objects), vats of viscous stuff that could just as well be used as building material, pitifully anemic "green" beans that were so drained of color that they resembled penne pasta.

You get my drift.

I don't remember actually eating anything there except on a dare (I would eat just about anything on a dare). My friends and I would take a lap through the line, just to look. We might point and ask, "What IS this stuff?"--a question that was usually meant with a very articulate, "I dunno." We'd look at each other, and say, way too loudly: PIZZA! (Imagine the scene from Animal House, when Peter Rigert and John Belushi look at each other and yell "ROAD TRIP!).

Sorry. I'm not being helpful.

But to be TRULY helpful, I need to know what your caf is like. The last college cafeteria I went to was Stanford's back in 97 or 98. They had all these stations--fusion, Italian, barbecue. Their salad bar was amazing. They had low-fat brownies.
I wanted to enroll on the spot.

But hey, that was Stanford. That was California. I will imagine that since you are asking for help, you aren't living in FFG nirvana. So I will take my best shot:

--Do a walk through. My friends and I were on the right track with this one. Any time you're faced with a buffet (even if it's just appetizers), do a dry run first. Scope out the scene. That will allow you to make a plan. When you DON'T have a plan, you may put stuff on your tray not knowing there's a better choice down the line. And then ... there's no going back without pissing off the Lunch Lady (and you know how risky that is).

--Come up with a plan. Try to find some source of protein that is a)not plastered with sauce or cheese; and b)not fried. Skip casseroles or anything that looks like it might have Cream of Mushroom Soup in it (for obvious reasons). You need some protein to keep that feeling of fullness longer. Look for the most recognizable foods: the closer a food is to its natural state, the more likely it is not to make you fat or sick. (Think about it; it's true.) Try to get at least one recognizable green vegetable. Go for a plain baked potato if they've got them. All a baked potato needs is a little salt, really, and it's pretty yummy.

--Fill in the blanks with salad! I would try to fill more than half my plate with salad--and I mean lettuce and veggies, NOT croutons, cheese, bacon bits ... all that stuff that negates the purpose. Salad offers the illusion that you're eating a lot when you're not eating a lot of calories. (We love that.) Now, I know people who do not like salad, to the point that they won't eat it at all. All I can say is ... I didn't like salad either, until it was INO to eat an entire meal of white food. You CAN reform your tastebuds--I did, completely. The only vegetables I would eat before, say, age 25 were corn and potatoes--and both had to be drenched in butter. Not any more.

--And while we're on the subject of it: Whip out that INO. Maybe your problem is NOT that you don't have healthy options, but that you just can't resist the junk. That's where INO comes in. Restrict yourself to only certain "stations" at your caf where you know you can get healthy food. Or use INO to keep you out of the areas where you know you are doomed (Italian Land, for me ... all that saucy pasta and pizza and other cheesy, starchy stuff).

--Make sure you treat yourself. This does NOT contradict what I just said. In fact, It's Not an Option NOT to treat yourself. You can't become an FFG by going cold turkey. Set aside one dinner or lunch or whatever a week to do it up. And hey, if your caf food sucks, don't waste your treat night on it. Save it for when you go out and eat some REAL food.

Those are my thoughts right now. I hope they help. Now, I'm going to go see if Netflix has Animal House. I'm hungry for a food fight.

Lisa D

Ready to Surrender

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 20:45:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Lisa, I have always been heavy. I have been over 200 lbs since I was 15 years old (I'm now 22). Now, I'm heavier than I've ever been. I struggle so much with my diet. I do eat healthy, I watch my calories and portion sizes, I don't ever go out to eat anymore, and I was exercising 7 days a week 40 minutes every day, and I only succeeded in making my clothes a little bit more roomy. After 3 months, I got sick, and started gaining weight daily while hardly eating anything--then I got extremely discouraged. I've tried everything . . . I'm at the point where I feel like I should just "surrender" and get gastric-bypass surgery, even though I'm not over 240 pounds. What kind of advice can you offer me?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I am so sorry to hear about your struggle. I know how painful and frustrating it is to feel like you're doing everything right but seeing no results. Here's a couple of things to think about that might help. First, get a thorough physical--if you haven't already--to make sure there's no medical reason why your weight won't budge. And I mean first--before you do anything else. The fact that you seem to be using all the right tools to lose weight with nothing to show for it says to me that it might be a medical issue--hormones (there's something called PCOS--polycystic ovary syndrome--that's often mis- or undiagnosed in women that can put weight on and keep it on), thyroid (also often overlooked), medications you're on, etc. You've got to rule those things out before you do anything else. If your doctor clears you, I would try spending some of that money you would spend on gastric bypass to hire a personal trainer. Now, you may think that sounds crazy, but hear me out: Exercise CAN make such a difference in your weight--and your frame of mind--but many of us go about it all wrong. What I mean by that is, we get ourselves to the gym (yay for us!), we get on the treadmill (yay again!), and we put in our 40 minutes (yay times 2!) ... but we do that over, and over, and over again, often at the same intensity/speed, whatever. And our bodies get USED to it. It starts feeling easy, which is really cool because it's so hard at first. What's NOT cool, though, is when it feels easy, that means it's not doing us as much good as it could be doing--we're just maintaining, not progressing. What a trainer will do is keep you moving ahead, keep your body challenged, so that you can continue to make progress toward your goal. I would do that instead of seeing a nutritionist, or anything else. In fact, I would just take a good chunk of time, at least 3 months, to focus on exercise and not worry as much about diet. Maybe you continue to watch your portions and such, but really focus on keeping true to your trainer's routine, letting her/him push you physically. I am convinced that a good trainer can help you find the Former Fat Girl inside that's just waiting to break through.

I realize that this might sound simplistic: "Hire a personal trainer." But it's not mean to be. I really believe that a trainer could make the difference for a lot of us--could have made the difference for me, years ago, when I was using all my mental energy to propel me forward in my weight loss journey. And if it sounds expensive, just think about what it will cost to do bypass.

The other thing I want to say is this: Gastric bypass is not necessarily "surrender," not necessarily the easy way out. I'm kind of conflicted on the whole subject--on one hand, I do think it's a valuable tool for women and men who go into it with the proper mindset. But on the other hand, my fear is that lots of people who have it aren't prepared mentally for the result. The fact is that, as far as I know, gastric bypass is a surgery for your GI system, not your BRAIN. So it's only solving a fraction, really, of the issue we all have. I have spoken to people who have had GP who, two years later, start gaining the weight back ... and are just then starting their real, EMOTIONAL weight loss journey. Whether you go the surgery route or not, you still have to learn how to eat healthy foods and exercise, you still have to learn how to put your health and your needs ahead of the demands of others, you still have to learn to let go of your perfectionism and your people-pleasing, etc. Sometimes I think the surgery makes the journey harder because it can fool you into thinking you don't need to do the hard work, the HEAD work. But, to be a Former Fat Girl, to keep that weight off for good--you've got to.

I hope this helps. You deserve to see yourself moving toward success--please let me know what you choose to do. Good luck in your journey.

Lisa D

An Unhealthy Hubby

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 10:49:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I desperately would like to lose my extra weight, but my "better half" is quite a picky (and unhealthy) eater. He will not eat vegetables other than potatoes and corn, and he loves the unhealthy stuff, like fried foods and lots of starches. What can I do to get us both eating healthier - without force-feeding him foods he can't stand?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Hey, I can relate. My husband is more adventurous than yours, it seems, but he still likes his southern cooking. There's a couple of strategies I use to keep the harmony in our household. For one thing, I encourage him to go get his fried chicken and mashed potatoes at lunchtime, when I'm at work. If he's had a big lunch, he's much more willing to eat lighter at dinner. And that allows me to have a healthy lunch and breakfast (we typically make our own breakfasts--that's another strategy). Then, there's dinner. I am determined to serve a healthy dinner ... aka food that's not all brown or white! ... so I always have a green salad or green veggie. Sometimes the salad is slaw with vinaigrette dressing (maybe your hubby would go for that?). And I buy lean meats (chicken breasts without the skin, lean beef, etc) and low-fat cheeses and such. I make turkey meatballs (a tip: use the 93% fat ground turkey--the 99% is too lean and will make your meatballs the consistency of a rock!). I also try to sneak in whole grain pasta ... but sometimes I'm not too successful at that.

All that aside, though: The real issue is that YOU have to take charge of your own process. My attitude is, if you're the cook and you're doing the shopping, you should prepare things that you can eat. That's pretty much what I do. Your husband (and mine too) doesn't have to have the salad or the broccoli or whatever (but eventually, if it's on the table, maybe he will!). I'm not suggesting that you fill his plate with tofu or stir-frys. But there are ways to compromise. And sometimes that means making two meals, in my house, anyway. I'm not a red meat-eater, so when we grill out, Rick has a steak, I have salmon, and our son has a little of both. Two meals aren't ideal, but, as I've said before, you gotta do what you gotta do. Stand firm--and good luck!

Lisa D

When the Scale's Not Budging

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 10:48:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I decided about a month ago to start exercising so I can lose some weight. This has been my third week. I've been eating healthier than ever and even though I feel better I haven't lost any weight at all! I'm getting really frustrated because I have been working out hard and I feel all my efforts are not paying off. Any ideas why? I don't want to quit but I'm very unmotivated now.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I know. It makes no sense! Why WOULDN'T you see results? Well, here are a couple of reasons: First, how quickly you see results somewhat depends on how much you need to lose. If you've got 70 pounds to lose (like I did!), you're going to lose faster at the beginning than someone who has only 10 pounds to lose. So there's that. Then there are things like hormones--simply being at a certain part of your cycle where you're retaining water could stall the scale. And then there are all the more complicated reasons for your body to hold on to weight--thyroid issues, certain medications (birth control pills, for instance), some chronic medical conditions.

But since you're only three weeks into it, I wouldn't go down the "see your doctor" route. Here's the thing. One of the tricks to becoming a Former Fat Girl for life is to readjust your goals and measures of success. You CAN'T control what's happening on the scale--and trying to is only going to be an exercise in frustration (unfortunately, not a good calorie-burning activity!). But what you CAN control are all the behaviors that WILL, in the end, lead to weight loss--and make you a lot healthier, besides. So your goal becomes to exercise 3 days a week, or whatever, and THAT'S what you start thinking of as success. Or, you decide to only eat dessert on Fridays and Saturdays. You make it through a week like that, and you give yourself a big gold star. This may not be the answer you want, but the thing is, you are trying to create healthy habits for life. If you're only looking at the scale, it's too easy to either a) give it up altogether when you don't see the needle budging; or b) give it up altogether when you get to that magic number you've always dreamed of. If your goal is a NUMBER, it's too easy to think you can go back to your old ways when you reach it, that it's somehow OVER. And being a Former Fat Girl means integrating these healthy habits into your life so that they become part of who you are.

When you're just three weeks into your journey, that might not sound like much fun--or like it's even possible. But it becomes easier, it becomes NATURAL, it becomes fun in its own way. You're opening the door on a new way of living. And it's a PROCESS, unfortunately, for all of us who want everything instantly, just-this-minute. So ... celebrate the success you're experiencing now, every time you finish a workout, every time you resist going back for seconds. Be gentle with yourself--try to allow this whole thing to unfold. And know there are others out here, like me, like the other women posting on the site, who have made it happen. In fact, if any of you other FFGs have advice or words of encouragement for this Former Fat Girl-In-the-Making ... please post!

Lisa D

Of Forgiveness and Fresh Starts

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 23 May 2007 15:43:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Here's a question for you...I know that the road to permanent weight loss is filled with hurdles. Well, I totally fell flat on my face last night. I have a difficult time forgiving myself and I know that the guilt just contributes to the weight gain cycle. So, can you give me any advice about how to let go and move on?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Ah, forgiveness. A tough subject, maybe the toughest. I came to believe, through my journey, that it's the whole expectation of perfection that makes it hard for us to let even the smallest slip-up go. The same expectation of perfection that keeps us focused on all the "flaws" in our body, the same expectation of perfection that drives us to do EVERYTHING … to be the "team mom," the "go-to" employee, the committee chair who's always there to take up the slack when the "perfect plan" threatens to fall apart. I say "expectation" of perfection because it's not that we're SEARCHING for perfection, we EXPECT ourselves to be perfect, to perform perfectly, to behave perfectly. That was a hard realization for me, being the good Catholic girl that I am. I'm supposed to be full of humility, aren't I? And yet, it makes SO much sense. We forgive others so much more easily than ourselves. Why is it OK for them to fall … and not us? We would never berate a friend, or even a STRANGER, for backsliding on a diet, missing a workout, saying the wrong thing in conversation, would we? Now, I don't know you personally, but I would bet you would be the FIRST to say "It's OK"--and MEAN IT--to a friend. I was. When I started thinking about it that way--started thinking about how RIDICULOUS it was to expect myself to be perfect, how LUDICROUS it was that I could be more kind, gentle, and forgiving to a complete stranger than to myself, that really made the difference.

So … a very intellectual, abstract answer to your question. But that's what I try to keep top-of-mind: TREAT MYSELF AS I WELL AS I TREAT OTHERS. The other thing I do is repeat a little mantra (if you've read the book, you know I'm a big fan of mantras). TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not completely profound, I know, and a bit derivative of a certain Broadway classic. But it helps me remember that I've got another chance to start over tomorrow. To do better tomorrow. Thank God for tomorrow.

In good health--

Lisa D

Weights vs. Cardio

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Mon, 21 May 2007 18:37:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Did you do much weight training or resistance work to get your weight off--or was it through cardio exercise?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I really focused on cardio when I was trying to lose the weight, and only added strength training when I was in maintenance mode. But the fact is that women just weren't lifting weights and doing Pilates back then like they are now. (In the mid- to late-80s, I probably would have felt as out of place in a weight room as I did the time I mistakenly burst into the men's bathroom at a night club in Mexico.) It's hard to say what I would do if I knew then what I know now about the benefits of strength training. But I probably wouldn't have changed much, even though my cardio (running, primarily) feels easier when I'm lifting regularly, and I know it's protecting my body from injury. I simply don't think I could have handled trying to fit in a whole different type of activity at that point. My commitment was too precarious--for a long time, I felt like I could slip back into couch-potatodom at any point. I really needed to keep this whole exercise thing doable, to avoid sabotaging myself by trying to make too many changes at once (something I'd done many many times before). So … If you're trying to get into the rhythm of exercise with the goal of staying with it for the long haul, you might want to give yourself some time to develop a cardio habit before you take on resistance work. Cardio undoubtedly burns more calories than strength work, so there's that. But there's the added benefit that focusing on cardio over strength keeps you from taking on too much at once. Focus on building the habit--you can always add more dimensions to it or change it completely once you're comfortable that you won't completely backslide.

Too Young to Worry!

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Mon, 21 May 2007 18:35:00 +0000

A FFG FAN WRITES: I am just a teenage girl, worrying about my weight. I just don't want to get fat, and I am on the edge, my doctor says. I really want to lose a little weight, but I can't find the time with school. And I know I shouldn't worry, but I know if I don't do something now, it will be harder later!!! HELP me!

DEAR FFG FAN: Thanks so much for writing. I'll tell you what I'M worried about: the fact that you're so worried. I know how you feel--when I was your age, I wasted a lot of energy worrying about clothes that didn't fit, about wanting to eat things I knew I shouldn't, about the fact that I didn't seem to fit in, no matter how hard I tried. I think that it's difficult to avoid all that … that part of it is just part of being a teen. It's hard to stop worrying, but one thing that helps is to DO something--something small. Yes, this is kind of a constant refrain in my answers, but taking one small step is one of the best ways to start moving in a healthy direction and ease your anxiety--because part of that anxiety, I think, comes from feeling helpless. My best advice for you is to start getting active--doing something as simple as walking the dog after school, or kicking the soccer ball with your brother. Something that can become part of your regular routine. And I have to say (even though I risk your rolling your eyes at me) joining some kind of team sport, or dance at school would help you a great deal--not just to manage your weight but to create that life-long habit of activity. Those of us who didn't create that habit early on tend to have a harder time getting into exercise later because we just don't see ourselves as athletes, we don't feel like we BELONG. If you can start now, your chances of being healthy for a lifetime are much greater.

The other thing is--I URGE you to talk to an adult about your fears. Maybe you could have a conversation with your doctor and get her/his advice. She/he certainly knows you better than I do, and might have something really helpful to say. And she/he can make sure you're not letting that worry consume you in ways that are unhealthy.

In good health--

Lisa D

Too much skin

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Sun, 13 May 2007 00:56:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: How do you avoid ending up with all that baggy skin once you've lost the weight? That is the thing that I fear. I am losing weight and doing Curves 5 days a week. But am I going to have all this extra skin from the loss? Any suggestions on how to avoid this would be appreciated.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I was lucky that, for some reason, I escaped with only stretch marks adorning my hips. But I know others who have lost incredible amounts of weight and are left with lots of excess skin (Nichole, for instance, whose incredible befores-and-afters are wowing everyone on the Success Stories channel). Maybe it was because I lost the weight when I was in my 20s and my skin still had some spring--that certainly has something to do with it. It also has to do with how much weight you lose ... it's unlikely your skin would be so stretched if you were losing 30, 40, 50 pounds. So it's hard to predict whether you will have to deal with the issue. Many women (like Nichole) who do have tummy tucks and other plastic surgery procedures to help take care of it. I know that's expensive, and health insurance companies don't cover it. But they should. Those of us who have done the hard work and achieved FFG status should be able to enjoy our new bodies, to feel like we can show them off in sexy clothes if we want. If our government and insurance companies are concerned about the obesity crisis and containing health costs, they need to support those of us who are successful. The issue of excess skin isn't just about looking your best, it's about FEELING your best too, and staying motivated to live the Former Fat Girl lifestyle. Insurance companies could develop a tool for screening that takes into account the INNER transformation required to be a true FFG, so they will have more confidence that these women won't just gain the weight back after they have the surgery. At the very least, our Flexible Spending Accounts should be able to be used to fund this kind of surgery.

Whew--how did I end up on this soapbox? Sorry. I'm off now.

So surgery is really the only permanent way I know of. But the other thing you can do is to use clothes to your advantage. Learning how to dress in ways appropriate to your new body--even if you have to deal with excess skin--is really important in keeping you on a high, keeping you feeling like the success story that you WILL be. A good personal shopper from a major department store or a wardrobe consultant (lots of professional women use them) can help--for a lot less $$s than a plastic surgeon.

FFGs out there, how have you managed this issue? Let us know!

Thanks for writing--

Lisa D

Help for a helpful hubby

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Fri, 11 May 2007 00:57:00 +0000

THE HUBBY OF A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Is becoming a Former Fat Girl something that has to start with a self realization? How do I, the husband, inspire my wife to make it happen? She isn't terribly overweight, but as we plan for a family, I know it won't get easier for her to control her weight and her health. How do I help my wife do what I know she really wants to do for herself? -Michael A

DEAR MICHAEL A: You are in a tough spot. And you're not the only one: I have received several emails from others asking the same question about their wives and daughters. I do think you have to have some kind of revelation, the old hitting-bottom thing, to really make that commitment. And no amount of pushing on your part will get her there--in fact, it might KEEP her from getting there. Don't get me wrong: You don't sound like a particularly pushy type. But the problem is that when you're in that fat-girl state of mind, you tend to take the most gentle suggestions ("Honey, you wanna go for a walk?") as criticisms, slams, doubts ("Why don't you get off your FAT BUTT?). It reminds me of that old Far Side cartoon (remember those?) where the guy is saying something to his dog like "Did you eat the remote AGAIN?", but all the dog hears is "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "Helpful tips" about nutrition, diet, exercise turn into expressions of doubt that you can actually figure this whole thing out for yourself. Questions about your fitness routine sound like nagging.

So, what to do? Continue living your own healthy life. Go do your workout in the morning. Cook your healthy meals. Invite her on a walk or to the gym (if that's not COMPLETELY out of the realm of possibility) but not too often and ever so gently, so she knows you care. When it looks like she's trying to make a change, SAY NOTHING. Let her do it her own way. She knows you will help if she asks.

A parent emailed me about a similar problem with his daughter, and asked if he should get her a copy of my book. I said no (much to the horror of my publisher, I'm sure!). But I did say that he might want to read it himself to get some insight into his daughter's frame of mind. You might want to do the same (you can get it at the library if you don't want to fork over the $$s)--just don't be tempted to leave it strategically on her bedside table ...

I would love to hear others comment on what they think Michael could do to help his wife--a very lucky wife, I would say, judging from his note. What could YOUR husband/parent/sibling/friend/whatever do to help YOU?

Thanks for writing--

Lisa D

Conquering Skinnyphobia

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 02 May 2007 00:58:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Dear Lisa - could you help me with this fear? I have been overweight my whole life (30 yrs) and I am "used" to it. I don't know what it is like to be "skinny" and frankly being skinny scares me. I know what it's like to be fat so I guess I stay fat because it is my comfort zone. Why am I afraid to be skinny and how can I be motivated to be skinny if I'm scared of it? - another Lisa

HI, ANOTHER LISA! You know, I was completely afraid to lose the weight too. For me, it was an excuse to stay in the background and to not take risks, to protect myself from pain and failure. And that was in everything in life--with guys, with my job, with my friends, with everything. It was like I was walking around in a bubble-wrap suit, never expecting much of myself, never expecting anyone else to really listen or value what I had to say. And all the while I knew I could be more ... I WANTED more out of life and out of myself. But that fear of the unknown--exactly what you're saying--kept me in that comfort zone, even though I wasn't all that thrilled about being there. So that's a long-winded way of saying that I get it. As far as coping with that fear and breaking through it ... I would say what I said to the woman who wanted to know where to start: Don't look too far ahead. When you're just starting out, envisioning the finish line isn't all that helpful, because you've got a long way to go to get there. Focus instead on taking those little steps that will move you along, slowly and comfortably, to your goal. The very thing that gets most people down about dieting--not seeing results fast enough--is actually working in your favor here. Because when you take small steps and focus on the healthy behaviors that lead to weight loss, it takes time--and that time, for those of us who are afraid of change, is a gift. It gives you a chance to get used to that new you, to your new life, to the attention you might attract from others, to the new way they treat you. It will all happen gradually, so it will be less traumatic. The other thing is, I found out that this whole journey was less about being skinny (although others don't seem to get that) and more about conquering the FEAR that not only kept me from losing weight, but held me back in all sorts of ways. I really define a Former Fat Girl as someone who is actively engaged in battling that fear and, on most days, winning. It's not really about how much weight you lose or whether you ever get to "skinny." It's about getting to HEALTHY in body and mind--about living life on your own terms, not in reaction or response to others. Anyway ... I hope this helps. Thanks for writing in ...

Lisa D

Fat-free diversions

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa Delaney) — Wed, 02 May 2007 00:54:00 +0000

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Any suggestions on non-food alternatives to snacking at work? I can't really leave my desk, so exercise, going for a walk, reading a book, etc. are out....I need a <5-minute distraction!

DEAR FFG: Thanks for your question. I think I deal with this every day! I joke about taking a "lap" around the cubes in my office when I need a break ... but when I'm desk-bound, waiting for an important call or email, I can't exactly do that. A couple of suggestions from me--and then I'd love to hear how the rest of you guys handle it (maybe I can steal some tricks for myself!).
--Break out the (sugarless) bubble gum. Too obvious, maybe, but gum helps give my tastebuds and choppers something to do that won't eat away at my calorie tally for the day.
--Stand up and stretch. Even when I can't get away from my desk, I CAN stand up, change my position, bend down and touch my toes (or try, anyway). I like to do shoulder-shrugs and rolls, because I tend to hold tension in my upper body, and this helps me relax: Simply shrug your shoulders up toward your ears and hold for a beat; then relax. Do this a couple of times, then roll your shoulders back two or three times.
--Read your email (the fun ones!). I don't know about you, but people are always forwarding me fun and/or inspirational chain emails that I don't have time to read. Here's an idea: Instead of deleting them, move them to a folder on your desk top. Open one up when you need a diversion!
--Surf a favorite site. Let your brain switch gears by doing something completely different: visiting your favorite breaking news site, doing a little virtual window-shopping (I like to go to Zappos and drool over the shoes), or getting a giggle from a site like The Onion or Daily Candy. If your boss frowns on non-work-related surfing, try visiting a site related to your field of work to get an update on a particular subject or check out training opportunities, etc. For instance, I go to MediaBistro.com, a site that covers the publishing industry (since my day job is in the magazine business). That is, when I'm not scanning Formerfatgirl.com for new posts and questions!

Anyone else have some ideas! Post them here!

Thanks for writing.

Lisa D