No Visible Means of Support

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I get a lot of grief from people about dieting. Comments such as, "You look hungry. Why don't you eat something"? Or, "You're going to wither away to nothing.” Why do people say stuff like this? I'm doing this the healthy way. I've lost 45 lbs since June, and I would think people would be more supportive. What gives?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Cheers to you for dropping pounds the healthy way! (At least you can always count on me for support.) You are not alone in finding out that the people around you aren’t always the best cheerleaders when you’re losing weight. I had the same issue: the “pushers,” as I called them, pushing food on me after I’ve mustered up all my willpower to say “no,” or the well-meaning (or not) questions about whether I was exercising too much. Like you, I was mystified, and even angry. After all my failed attempts at losing, how could the people around me NOT be supportive? Well, I’ve got a few theories about why, and some advice for handling the situation.
--They feel threatened. You play a certain role in your friends and family’s lives, a role that they’ve likely become comfortable with. Your losing weight is a sign that you’re changing, you’re perhaps becoming more independent, developing new interests, growing into a different role. I’m not saying that our weight defines us, but for me, I know it played a major part in who I was (and continues to). People closest to us may be afraid that we will become someone they can no longer relate to—or that they’ll somehow lose us to this new, thinner life of ours.
--They don’t know how to love you anymore. My Dad used to prepare a special steak dinner for me every time I visited home. That was his way of welcoming me, of showing his love for me. When I stopped eating meat altogether (I was a vegetarian for a time), it completely threw him off. He didn’t know how to express his feelings for me any more (words, alas, were not an option in our house!). Over time, he became more comfortable with the new noncarnivorous me, but until after trying to persuade me to have “just a bite.”
--Your success makes them feel like failures. Friends and family who also have weight issues may feel more pressure to succeed themselves, or more daunted by their less-than-successful attempts to drop the pounds.

I’m sure there are many other reasons. This is the perfect time to discuss this topic, as many of us will be around family and friends—and tons of food—at the same time. Passing up seconds on family favorites may raise an eyebrow or two, or even incite a major discussion about your dieting history (speaking from experience here). I was angry about this kind of stuff until I realized that for the most part, people’s intentions are good—they simply don’t mean to undermine me when they question my choices. I learned to be as unobtrusive about what I was eating as possible. I stopped explaining myself when I skipped dessert or chose a healthy entrée. You know, “I’ll just have a salad. I’m on a DIET.” Why announce it to the world? You’re only inviting comment.

I also—and this was tough for me—perfected the laughing response. So instead of getting defensive (“BELIEVE me, I eat!”), I just laugh and smile, refusing to get into a verbal sparring match. I still have to use these techniques even now. I’ve found that, for some reason, people feel like they have license to comment on what’s on my plate—or what’s not—while I would never comment on an overweight person’s food choices. Hey, it’s only food, and what I eat is my business. If there was someone who I felt was particularly unsupportive, I avoided being in food situations with him or her. Unfortunately, I did have some emotional “break ups” with friends over the new direction my life was taking. As hard as that was, I truly believe it was necessary.

Don’t let someone else’s issues keep you from doing what you know is right for yourself. This is perhaps one of the most difficult barriers to losing weight for good that you will encounter—harder than kicking your Oreo habit. If you can learn to laugh off the comments, you’re way ahead of the game.

Lisa D

Help! Marriage is Making Me Fat!

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I recently got married, and as a stay-at-home wife, I have gained 10 pounds in the last 4 months. One of the reasons was that I was baking almost every day to pass the time. But I also increased my running from 30 minutes, 3 days a week to a full hour 3 days a week and 30 minutes running/30 walking two days a week. It seems like this has made me gain weight, also--I didn't lose any pounds and my legs are definitely bigger. If I continue to pursue running, even though I'm watching my calories like a hawk and only baking once a week, will running make me bigger? As in, huge legs, hips, butt?--Beth

DEAR FUTURE FFG: It's funny--I talk to many women who struggle with their weight who admit to a baking habit too. Ever since I got my Easy Bake Oven when I was five, I was a big baker--mostly because I wanted to eat the stuff. I still love to bake but don't do it very often, for obvious reasons. I don't want to deal with the siren call of warm home-baked cookies, tempting me to have Just. One. More. Baking, as you've found, is NOT a Former Fat Girl-approved hobby. Running, though, is. But the funny thing about exercise is that it often fools us into thinking we can eat more--the more we exercise, the more we tend to eat, perhaps because we feel like we deserve a reward. There's actual research to back this up, which led a Time magazine writer to pen a recent column arguing that exercise does not make you thinner. I have to disagree, because it is one of the key things that worked for me. But it MUST be paired with healthy eating habits. Because we know there's the tendency to eat to compensate for exercise (and therefore cancel out any weight-loss benefits), it's important to, as you say, watch your calories like a hawk. I would go even further and suggest you keep a brutally honest food diary, where you write down EVERY MORSEL you put in your mouth (yes, even a swipe of cookie dough). Get an honest assessment of your intake, and you may see why you're not reaping the benefits of running. You should see some results from your increase in running, and not the ones you're describing. Running may build up the muscles in your legs, but as long as you aren't continuing to put on body fat due to dietary indiscretions, I can't see any reason why it should make your hips and bottom larger.

Lisa D

The Perfect Problem

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: How do you overcome the guilt of actually taking some of your own time back for yourself? How do you make yourself realize that the world is not going to spin off its axis if your house isn't sparkling, if your kids have to eat a happy meal every now and again, or if your husband has to take the kids to football practice or Cub Scouts? When I ask for help, I feel like a total failure for not being able to take care of everyone and everything around me. I have been trying to exercise six days a week, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just go back to my old couch-potato ways.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Your questions are at the root of the reason why so many women give up on trying to live a healthy lifestyle--the guilt involved in saying "no" to others and "yes" to ourselves and our own needs, and the perfectionism that fools us into believing that everything would fall apart if we let go and let others help us. The fact is that you get some of your value--maybe much of it--from thinking that the kids would be total hooligans if you weren't constantly with them, that the house would be condemned if you weren’t cleaning, cleaning, cleaning all the time, that the "Good Mom" brigade would strip you of your rank if you chose your fitness class over sitting through soccer practice. This might sound like tough love, but believe me, I struggle with this too. It's the thing that's hardest for me now, all these years after losing my weight--even harder than resisting an Oreo cookie.

When I'm wrestling with these issues, I call on some of the role models for women I know who somehow manage to treat themselves right without an ounce of guilt about it. I try to think, "What would Ellen do?" (Ellen is one such friend.) Are there women in your life you can look to as role models? Or could you even imagine a powerful female figure to channel when those feelings of guilt and perfectionism threaten to throw you off track? For instance, do you think Meredith Viera would let herself go to pot because she was afraid to let her house get a little dusty? (OK, I know she probably has household help, but you get my point.)

I try to "act as if" I was someone who doesn't feel those feelings of guilt, who expects her partner to happily share the load, who doesn’t beat herself up for her imperfections. And then, I ask for help. I leave the dishes in the sink. I tell my husband I can't do Cub Scouts because of my yoga class. And then, I realize that the earth didn't move, no one outed me as a "bad mom," and my family still loves me, as imperfect as I am. That's all I--we--can do.

Lisa D

Getting Your Sexy Back

A FUTURE FFG ASKS: I was overweight until I was 16, when I peaked at 206 on the scale. I went down to 150 in the course of a year. Now, at 23, I weigh a healthy 135. Here's my problem: I have zero confidence with men. The only time I feel sexy is when I feel "wanted" by a man, and even that's not working for me right now. It's becoming a problem with my current boyfriend of two years. I am confident in just about every other way. How can I go from feeling sex-less to sexy?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: What you're describing is pretty common among the Former Fat Girls I've talked to--including me. It was so inconceivable to me that anyone would find me attractive that I think I was probably asked out a zillion times without my knowing it. You know, like when the guy says, "You like Mexican food? I LOVE Mexican food." (Hint, hint!) And you go off on a tangent about how much you love Casa Gorda's cheese dip and margaritas, but that they're not as good as the place down the street, and besides, a Mexican restaurant is only as good as their guacamole, and yadda yadda yadda. Completely neutralizing the conversation, sucking all the sexual tension out of the exchange.

It took time for me to stop treating every guy I met like a buddy. I lost my weight in my late 20s, and didn't meet my husband until I was 37. (Hopefully, that little fact won't completely depress you.) But I really didn't recognize that I had a problem until late in my process. The fact that you're seeing it now, at your age, gives you an advantage. There is also an increased recognition that women with weight issues can have related problems with their sexuality--and therapists who can deal with those issues specifically.

Other than therapy, though, here are a few ideas to help you get in touch with your inner Beyonce.

Dance with your man. Long before Dancing With the Stars, I stumbled onto this secret. My husband and I actually met dancing, and dancing was a huge part of our courtship. I'm not talking about the impersonal moves of the 80s and 90s. I'm talking about partner dances that force you to actually touch each other, even look into each other's eyes. The waltz. Salsa (bonus for hip shaking!). The cha cha. Swing. You can find ballroom classes at anywhere from your Y to community center to the iconic Fred Astaire. Any time I feel like our relationship needs a bit more spice, I get a sitter and we go dance. It's the best remedy.
Do Zumba, bellydancing, or (don't judge) pole dancing. Zumba, a fitness class that mixes everything from hip-hop moves to the Charleston has swept the nation because, frankly it's fun. But it also gets your hips swingin' and your bootie shakin'. Even though it's normally taught in your typical aerobics room, you can come away feeling like you've just took a turn as a chorus girl in a Broadway musical. (Hey, that's an idea: Zumba, The Musical!) Slip on one of those little fitness skorts so you feel more feminine doing it--I've found that helps. You can also find bellydancing classes just about anywhere--it's great for your abs and back, and I don't think I need tell you how sensual the dance can be. In recent years, pole dancing has become popular as a fitness class (believe it or not), and I know specifically of breast cancer survivors who have used the pursuit to help them get their mojo back after feeling robbed of their femininity after mastectomy.
Dress up. I'm not saying go formal if the occasion doesn't call for it. But I've found that when I'm feeling bad about myself, I stop trying. I wear my comfy jeans, my drab jackets ... I try to fade into the background. Try wearing more feminine silhouettes--dresses and skirts, those wonderful flowy sweaters everyone's showing right now, heels (even little kitten heels). Trade in the baggy p.j. pants for a short little nightgown, even if it feels weird. And wear makeup. You might even want to go take advantage of the free makeovers regularly offered at department store counters, and/or have a store's personal shopper pick out some styles you'd never think to try on. You never know, that might help you "see" yourself in a new, sexy, way.
Try therapy. If you do opt for therapy, someone who specializes in counseling women with eating disorders would probably be very good at helping you get over this issue.

Lisa D