Considering the Couch

FROM ASHLEY, OF BONNIE SCOTLAND (WRITING IN THE GUESTBOOK): I am about to embark on losing 100 lbs. How easy will it be for me to pinpoint why I eat? Can I overcome this without going to see a therapist, for example? My doctor today laughed me out of the surgery. When I said I need help, his retort was "use small plates." Is it that simple? Please - some advice!

DEAR ASHLEY: First, if I ever make it across the pond again, can you put me up? I have never been to Scotland! And while I'm there, I would love to visit your doc and give him a good kick in the ... shins. He is probably a very good doctor in many ways, but he obviously doesn't understand the emotional issues that drive good girls like you and me to overeat. (I am, of course, kidding about the kick ... I rarely resort to physical violence.)

To be fair, I used (still do) small plates. I exercise all varieties of portion control. But all of those typical dieting techniques are just Band-Aids if you don't try to work through what's going on in your head.

I did much of that work on my own. One of the keys for me was starting with exercise--not because it burns calories, but because it started me down the path of believing in myself. I started feeling like ... hey, if I can do this Jazzercise thing (and they do have it in Scotland ... I googled), maybe I can get unstuck in other areas of my life. I started believing that I CAN ... because I saw myself doing something I had never really done before. I really feel like I built a positive foundation, a sturdy platform of self-esteem that allowed me to, a year and a half or so later, tackle the diet part of the issue.

Many times before, I'd focused JUST on what I was eating, or tried to do both at the same time. And that never worked. It was too hard--and completely negative. All I was doing was saying NO, I CAN'T to all of those fabulous foods that had kept me such good company for so long.

So exercise gave me that mental push ... it was therapy in motion for me. But I have to say that had I been able to afford a therapist at that time in my life, it would have been helpful. I did go to therapy after I had lost most of my weight, and then off and on for years, up until recently. Mostly what therapy does for me is to affirm my instincts, to tell me it's OK to put myself first, to show me where I am losing my boundaries and need to stand my ground--whether with food or people or work or whatever. The therapists I have stuck with longest both have experience treating compulsive overeaters, and both are women who understand how hard it is for women to say no, to put their health and wellbeing at the top of their to-do list. Just having their affirmation was worth the $80/hour fee.

You, Ashley, have a road ahead of you. I am here for you; the community of Former Fat Girls and Future Former Fat Girls is here for you. I do believe it's possible to overcome overeating over time (hey, that's "over" overkill). But the right kind of support at the right time is, as they say in the Mastercard commercials, priceless. If therapy is an option (ie, if you have the $$s), I would keep it in your back pocket to pull out if/when you need it. Stay in touch with how you're feeling, whether you're making progress (not just on the scale--in your behaviors and motivation), and if you start having trouble, consider the couch. Er, the therapist's couch--not the one in front of the TV.

Bon voyage ... stay strong on your journey--

Lisa D

Trying Times

KATIE (WRITING IN THE GUESTBOOK): Do you think anyone can lose the excess weight, or do you think some people really can't, or shouldn't try, because of genetics, or medical reasons?

DEAR KATIE: Hmmm. I was telling someone the other day that if I had to write my book all over again, I would add an eighth secret (although seven sounds snappier, huh?). And that eighth secret would be: Make It Your Goal to Just Try. The point of this secret is that if your goal is to drop a certain number of pounds, or to get into a particular dress size, then there's a good chance you won't get there and STAY there. And that's what we all want to do, right?

The goal, instead, should be to Just Try. To adopt those behaviors that get you to that healthy weight ... to eat right, to be active, to take time out just for you. Making those things the goal means that a) you will walk around feeling more successful, because you have much more control over whether you go for a 30 minute walk today than what the scale will say the next time you step on it; and b) you will be HEALTHIER, no matter what your size.

So ... do I think some people shouldn't try? Well, if you have a medical problem (say, a heart condition) that might make exercise dangerous, then you need to talk to your doctor about how to deal with that. And if you are severely overweight, have family members with serious health issues, or otherwise have any reason to think making healthy lifestyle changes could be bad for you, you should consult a doctor and/or get a professional to help you design an eating and exercise plan.

I think the underlying question here, though, is ... should you not try if you think you might fail? Well, if you are truly approaching this as a Future Former Fat Girl, then trying IS your goal. So you only fail if you fail to try. Is that confusing enough for you?