Of Forgiveness and Fresh Starts

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Here's a question for you...I know that the road to permanent weight loss is filled with hurdles. Well, I totally fell flat on my face last night. I have a difficult time forgiving myself and I know that the guilt just contributes to the weight gain cycle. So, can you give me any advice about how to let go and move on?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: Ah, forgiveness. A tough subject, maybe the toughest. I came to believe, through my journey, that it's the whole expectation of perfection that makes it hard for us to let even the smallest slip-up go. The same expectation of perfection that keeps us focused on all the "flaws" in our body, the same expectation of perfection that drives us to do EVERYTHING … to be the "team mom," the "go-to" employee, the committee chair who's always there to take up the slack when the "perfect plan" threatens to fall apart. I say "expectation" of perfection because it's not that we're SEARCHING for perfection, we EXPECT ourselves to be perfect, to perform perfectly, to behave perfectly. That was a hard realization for me, being the good Catholic girl that I am. I'm supposed to be full of humility, aren't I? And yet, it makes SO much sense. We forgive others so much more easily than ourselves. Why is it OK for them to fall … and not us? We would never berate a friend, or even a STRANGER, for backsliding on a diet, missing a workout, saying the wrong thing in conversation, would we? Now, I don't know you personally, but I would bet you would be the FIRST to say "It's OK"--and MEAN IT--to a friend. I was. When I started thinking about it that way--started thinking about how RIDICULOUS it was to expect myself to be perfect, how LUDICROUS it was that I could be more kind, gentle, and forgiving to a complete stranger than to myself, that really made the difference.

So … a very intellectual, abstract answer to your question. But that's what I try to keep top-of-mind: TREAT MYSELF AS I WELL AS I TREAT OTHERS. The other thing I do is repeat a little mantra (if you've read the book, you know I'm a big fan of mantras). TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not completely profound, I know, and a bit derivative of a certain Broadway classic. But it helps me remember that I've got another chance to start over tomorrow. To do better tomorrow. Thank God for tomorrow.

In good health--

Lisa D

Weights vs. Cardio

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Did you do much weight training or resistance work to get your weight off--or was it through cardio exercise?

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I really focused on cardio when I was trying to lose the weight, and only added strength training when I was in maintenance mode. But the fact is that women just weren't lifting weights and doing Pilates back then like they are now. (In the mid- to late-80s, I probably would have felt as out of place in a weight room as I did the time I mistakenly burst into the men's bathroom at a night club in Mexico.) It's hard to say what I would do if I knew then what I know now about the benefits of strength training. But I probably wouldn't have changed much, even though my cardio (running, primarily) feels easier when I'm lifting regularly, and I know it's protecting my body from injury. I simply don't think I could have handled trying to fit in a whole different type of activity at that point. My commitment was too precarious--for a long time, I felt like I could slip back into couch-potatodom at any point. I really needed to keep this whole exercise thing doable, to avoid sabotaging myself by trying to make too many changes at once (something I'd done many many times before). So … If you're trying to get into the rhythm of exercise with the goal of staying with it for the long haul, you might want to give yourself some time to develop a cardio habit before you take on resistance work. Cardio undoubtedly burns more calories than strength work, so there's that. But there's the added benefit that focusing on cardio over strength keeps you from taking on too much at once. Focus on building the habit--you can always add more dimensions to it or change it completely once you're comfortable that you won't completely backslide.

Too Young to Worry!

A FFG FAN WRITES: I am just a teenage girl, worrying about my weight. I just don't want to get fat, and I am on the edge, my doctor says. I really want to lose a little weight, but I can't find the time with school. And I know I shouldn't worry, but I know if I don't do something now, it will be harder later!!! HELP me!

DEAR FFG FAN: Thanks so much for writing. I'll tell you what I'M worried about: the fact that you're so worried. I know how you feel--when I was your age, I wasted a lot of energy worrying about clothes that didn't fit, about wanting to eat things I knew I shouldn't, about the fact that I didn't seem to fit in, no matter how hard I tried. I think that it's difficult to avoid all that … that part of it is just part of being a teen. It's hard to stop worrying, but one thing that helps is to DO something--something small. Yes, this is kind of a constant refrain in my answers, but taking one small step is one of the best ways to start moving in a healthy direction and ease your anxiety--because part of that anxiety, I think, comes from feeling helpless. My best advice for you is to start getting active--doing something as simple as walking the dog after school, or kicking the soccer ball with your brother. Something that can become part of your regular routine. And I have to say (even though I risk your rolling your eyes at me) joining some kind of team sport, or dance at school would help you a great deal--not just to manage your weight but to create that life-long habit of activity. Those of us who didn't create that habit early on tend to have a harder time getting into exercise later because we just don't see ourselves as athletes, we don't feel like we BELONG. If you can start now, your chances of being healthy for a lifetime are much greater.

The other thing is--I URGE you to talk to an adult about your fears. Maybe you could have a conversation with your doctor and get her/his advice. She/he certainly knows you better than I do, and might have something really helpful to say. And she/he can make sure you're not letting that worry consume you in ways that are unhealthy.

In good health--

Lisa D

Too much skin

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: How do you avoid ending up with all that baggy skin once you've lost the weight? That is the thing that I fear. I am losing weight and doing Curves 5 days a week. But am I going to have all this extra skin from the loss? Any suggestions on how to avoid this would be appreciated.

DEAR FUTURE FFG: I was lucky that, for some reason, I escaped with only stretch marks adorning my hips. But I know others who have lost incredible amounts of weight and are left with lots of excess skin (Nichole, for instance, whose incredible befores-and-afters are wowing everyone on the Success Stories channel). Maybe it was because I lost the weight when I was in my 20s and my skin still had some spring--that certainly has something to do with it. It also has to do with how much weight you lose ... it's unlikely your skin would be so stretched if you were losing 30, 40, 50 pounds. So it's hard to predict whether you will have to deal with the issue. Many women (like Nichole) who do have tummy tucks and other plastic surgery procedures to help take care of it. I know that's expensive, and health insurance companies don't cover it. But they should. Those of us who have done the hard work and achieved FFG status should be able to enjoy our new bodies, to feel like we can show them off in sexy clothes if we want. If our government and insurance companies are concerned about the obesity crisis and containing health costs, they need to support those of us who are successful. The issue of excess skin isn't just about looking your best, it's about FEELING your best too, and staying motivated to live the Former Fat Girl lifestyle. Insurance companies could develop a tool for screening that takes into account the INNER transformation required to be a true FFG, so they will have more confidence that these women won't just gain the weight back after they have the surgery. At the very least, our Flexible Spending Accounts should be able to be used to fund this kind of surgery.

Whew--how did I end up on this soapbox? Sorry. I'm off now.

So surgery is really the only permanent way I know of. But the other thing you can do is to use clothes to your advantage. Learning how to dress in ways appropriate to your new body--even if you have to deal with excess skin--is really important in keeping you on a high, keeping you feeling like the success story that you WILL be. A good personal shopper from a major department store or a wardrobe consultant (lots of professional women use them) can help--for a lot less $$s than a plastic surgeon.

FFGs out there, how have you managed this issue? Let us know!

Thanks for writing--

Lisa D

Help for a helpful hubby

THE HUBBY OF A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Is becoming a Former Fat Girl something that has to start with a self realization? How do I, the husband, inspire my wife to make it happen? She isn't terribly overweight, but as we plan for a family, I know it won't get easier for her to control her weight and her health. How do I help my wife do what I know she really wants to do for herself? -Michael A

DEAR MICHAEL A: You are in a tough spot. And you're not the only one: I have received several emails from others asking the same question about their wives and daughters. I do think you have to have some kind of revelation, the old hitting-bottom thing, to really make that commitment. And no amount of pushing on your part will get her there--in fact, it might KEEP her from getting there. Don't get me wrong: You don't sound like a particularly pushy type. But the problem is that when you're in that fat-girl state of mind, you tend to take the most gentle suggestions ("Honey, you wanna go for a walk?") as criticisms, slams, doubts ("Why don't you get off your FAT BUTT?). It reminds me of that old Far Side cartoon (remember those?) where the guy is saying something to his dog like "Did you eat the remote AGAIN?", but all the dog hears is "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "Helpful tips" about nutrition, diet, exercise turn into expressions of doubt that you can actually figure this whole thing out for yourself. Questions about your fitness routine sound like nagging.

So, what to do? Continue living your own healthy life. Go do your workout in the morning. Cook your healthy meals. Invite her on a walk or to the gym (if that's not COMPLETELY out of the realm of possibility) but not too often and ever so gently, so she knows you care. When it looks like she's trying to make a change, SAY NOTHING. Let her do it her own way. She knows you will help if she asks.

A parent emailed me about a similar problem with his daughter, and asked if he should get her a copy of my book. I said no (much to the horror of my publisher, I'm sure!). But I did say that he might want to read it himself to get some insight into his daughter's frame of mind. You might want to do the same (you can get it at the library if you don't want to fork over the $$s)--just don't be tempted to leave it strategically on her bedside table ...

I would love to hear others comment on what they think Michael could do to help his wife--a very lucky wife, I would say, judging from his note. What could YOUR husband/parent/sibling/friend/whatever do to help YOU?

Thanks for writing--

Lisa D

Conquering Skinnyphobia

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Dear Lisa - could you help me with this fear? I have been overweight my whole life (30 yrs) and I am "used" to it. I don't know what it is like to be "skinny" and frankly being skinny scares me. I know what it's like to be fat so I guess I stay fat because it is my comfort zone. Why am I afraid to be skinny and how can I be motivated to be skinny if I'm scared of it? - another Lisa

HI, ANOTHER LISA! You know, I was completely afraid to lose the weight too. For me, it was an excuse to stay in the background and to not take risks, to protect myself from pain and failure. And that was in everything in life--with guys, with my job, with my friends, with everything. It was like I was walking around in a bubble-wrap suit, never expecting much of myself, never expecting anyone else to really listen or value what I had to say. And all the while I knew I could be more ... I WANTED more out of life and out of myself. But that fear of the unknown--exactly what you're saying--kept me in that comfort zone, even though I wasn't all that thrilled about being there. So that's a long-winded way of saying that I get it. As far as coping with that fear and breaking through it ... I would say what I said to the woman who wanted to know where to start: Don't look too far ahead. When you're just starting out, envisioning the finish line isn't all that helpful, because you've got a long way to go to get there. Focus instead on taking those little steps that will move you along, slowly and comfortably, to your goal. The very thing that gets most people down about dieting--not seeing results fast enough--is actually working in your favor here. Because when you take small steps and focus on the healthy behaviors that lead to weight loss, it takes time--and that time, for those of us who are afraid of change, is a gift. It gives you a chance to get used to that new you, to your new life, to the attention you might attract from others, to the new way they treat you. It will all happen gradually, so it will be less traumatic. The other thing is, I found out that this whole journey was less about being skinny (although others don't seem to get that) and more about conquering the FEAR that not only kept me from losing weight, but held me back in all sorts of ways. I really define a Former Fat Girl as someone who is actively engaged in battling that fear and, on most days, winning. It's not really about how much weight you lose or whether you ever get to "skinny." It's about getting to HEALTHY in body and mind--about living life on your own terms, not in reaction or response to others. Anyway ... I hope this helps. Thanks for writing in ...

Lisa D

Fat-free diversions

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Any suggestions on non-food alternatives to snacking at work? I can't really leave my desk, so exercise, going for a walk, reading a book, etc. are out....I need a <5-minute distraction!

DEAR FFG: Thanks for your question. I think I deal with this every day! I joke about taking a "lap" around the cubes in my office when I need a break ... but when I'm desk-bound, waiting for an important call or email, I can't exactly do that. A couple of suggestions from me--and then I'd love to hear how the rest of you guys handle it (maybe I can steal some tricks for myself!).
--Break out the (sugarless) bubble gum. Too obvious, maybe, but gum helps give my tastebuds and choppers something to do that won't eat away at my calorie tally for the day.
--Stand up and stretch. Even when I can't get away from my desk, I CAN stand up, change my position, bend down and touch my toes (or try, anyway). I like to do shoulder-shrugs and rolls, because I tend to hold tension in my upper body, and this helps me relax: Simply shrug your shoulders up toward your ears and hold for a beat; then relax. Do this a couple of times, then roll your shoulders back two or three times.
--Read your email (the fun ones!). I don't know about you, but people are always forwarding me fun and/or inspirational chain emails that I don't have time to read. Here's an idea: Instead of deleting them, move them to a folder on your desk top. Open one up when you need a diversion!
--Surf a favorite site. Let your brain switch gears by doing something completely different: visiting your favorite breaking news site, doing a little virtual window-shopping (I like to go to Zappos and drool over the shoes), or getting a giggle from a site like The Onion or Daily Candy. If your boss frowns on non-work-related surfing, try visiting a site related to your field of work to get an update on a particular subject or check out training opportunities, etc. For instance, I go to MediaBistro.com, a site that covers the publishing industry (since my day job is in the magazine business). That is, when I'm not scanning Formerfatgirl.com for new posts and questions!

Anyone else have some ideas! Post them here!

Thanks for writing.

Lisa D

Outsmarting your fat cells

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I used to be a chubby, reclusive teen who knew nothing about nutrition. I started reading books about nutrition and slowly dropped 40 lbs. through changes in diet and biking every day to work. I went from 160 lbs. to 112 lbs. at one point. Now I'm in college and barely have time to exercise, but I still eat healthy. I'm currently hovering around 138-140, but ideally I'd like to be 125-130. I've heard that people who used to be fat still have the same amount of fat cells, and that once you have been fat in the past, it's harder to keep weight off than other people who haven't been formerly fat. Is there any truth to this? I know genetics is a big factor, but I feel like I have to try super hard to lose weight (restricting meals, small portions, fiber-rich whole foods, etc.) and I suspect it's because I used to be chubby. Am I forever cursed with the fat cells of my formerly fat self? Thanks. Haley in Chi-town

DEAR HALEY: Thanks for the question. First ... the idea that the number of fat cells increase when you gain weight is pretty controversial. I'm not a scientist or anything, but a quick scan of the most reputable websites and research says that no one is certain whether that happens at all. What does happen is that fat cells increase in size when you gain weight. So I'm not sure that that's your issue. Of course, every woman's body is different. But common sense tells me that you may be having difficulty because you've quit exercising. There have been studies that show pretty clearly that to maintain weight loss, women need to both exercise and manage their diet. Men, because they have a higher proportion of lean body mass than we do, can choose one or the other (damn them!).

A lack of consistent exercise has also probably slowed down your metabolism. But don't despair! You KNOW exactly what to do to change things. You need to get into a rhythm again with exercise. You may not feel like this is the time (aren't you in finals soon?), but even doing something small--just going for a walk--would help you feel like you're taking action, doing something good for yourself (not to mention relieve some of that end-of-semester stress). Then work on getting back into the fitness habit. To me, that's where it all starts--it's the hardest thing to commit yourself to, because it takes time, it requires you to do things you may never have done before. Which is both fun and scary as hell. Anyway, you know all that ...
I hope this helps, and that you can find a way to squeeze in your workout ... and remember, anything is better than nothing. I think sometimes we feel like if we can't put in an hour, or 30 minutes, or whatever, then why do it at all? That's that all or nothing thinking that holds us back, right? Stop it now, move however you can, take a step in the right direction.

Much luck!

Lisa D

It All Starts With the First Step

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: I have struggled with weight loss for years and I am at a point where eating is out of control. I'm having a hard time getting back on track and starting to exercise and eat better. Help!

DEAR FUTURE FFG: It sounds like you're at that place where you feel like you have SO far to go, that your challenge is so huge and overwhelming, that you feel like just giving up. I know that place--I think we all know it. I was there many, many times before I finally found my way to Former Fat Girlhood. I was there after my mint-chocolate-chip ice cream incident. And I did two things--I committed just to TRY, without thinking about really where I wanted to end up, without thinking even at that point about a "goal weight." I didn't want to look that far down the road--because frankly, I had no faith that I could get there.

The other thing I did was to start by doing just ONE THING. Instead of taking on everything--every bad food habit, the whole exercise thing--I focused on taking one step. My one step was going to a Jazzercise class with a friend (who happened to be a fat girl too).

So that's what I would recommend. Try letting go of the outcome right now, and commit just to try. Make that your mantra right now. And then, make one small move, the smaller the better. Even if it's just using the Splenda in your coffee instead of sugar (if you're into Splenda, that is), or snacking on an apple in the afternoon instead of dipping into the candy jar. Or--even better--putting your walking shoes on and doing a loop around the block after dinner. Change one small thing this week, add another small change next week, and another the next. It's not really at this point as much about the calories you're saving or the calories you're burning--it's about gaining some momentum. It's about starting to move in the right direction.

And know that you're not alone. I've been there, but there are people around you shuffling toward success. Read their notes on the guestbook, feed off of their momentum.

Please let me know how you're doing!

Lisa D

Sometimes, Less is More!

A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Hi Lisa - I found your story in Health magazine totally inspiring. I am already committed to exercise (6 days a week, 2+ hours a day) and I watch what I eat (I keep a detailed food journal) but I haven't been able to get down to my goal weight. Can your book help me break this plateau??
Thanks,
Bailie

DEAR BAILIE: Thanks for writing. You ARE committed, obviously, which is huge! But I'm thinking that you need to look at the QUALITY of your current exercise regimen, vs. quantity. The thing about exercise is that your body adapts to a particular activity and regimen pretty quickly. So when you first start working out with weights, for instance, you're going to see lots of progress initially, but if you keep doing the exact same exercises (even if you lift heavier weights) for more than about 3 weeks, your results are going to taper off. I think one of the main reasons why we get frustrated with exercise is that we try so hard to establish a routine, but in the end, the routine works against us. You get on the treadmill at the same speed you've always set it on, for the same time, and after a while, you stop seeing the results on the scale.

What to do? I'm not sure what your current exercise regimen is like, but you need to shake it up. Here are some suggestions:
--Try intervals. Breaking up your current cardio routine with short bursts of intense exercise will help jolt your body into super calorie-burning mode. For instance, if you're a walker or runner, warm up for a couple of minutes at moderate intensity, then walk (or run) hard for two minutes, and slow down for a minute. You don't really even need to use a watch to do this--just pick out landmarks on your walking route, use laps at a track (or in a pool), whatever. This could even help you cut down on the amount of time you spend working out because you're burning more calories in less time.

--Do something completely different. Now, I know this one is hard--because of that whole routine thing we talked about. But consider trying a new class at the gym, or swim some laps instead of walk, or try doing a walk/run routine instead of walking only. Doing something new forces your body to work different muscles and function in a way that's different than it's used to--which translates into a bigger calorie burn.

--Get a trainer. Trainers aren't just for women (and men) with zero body fat. A trainer is a great investment because few of us can push ourselves as far as a trainer will. If you're on a budget, consider group training, where you pool your $$s with a couple of friends and hire a trainer for the group. Or even pair off with a knowledgeable friend who can spot you and function as a coach.

I hope this helps!
Best of luck--

Lisa D