The Perfect Problem
A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: How do you overcome the guilt of actually taking some of your own time back for yourself? How do you make yourself realize that the world is not going to spin off its axis if your house isn't sparkling, if your kids have to eat a happy meal every now and again, or if your husband has to take the kids to football practice or Cub Scouts? When I ask for help, I feel like a total failure for not being able to take care of everyone and everything around me. I have been trying to exercise six days a week, but sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just go back to my old couch-potato ways.
DEAR FUTURE FFG: Your questions are at the root of the reason why so many women give up on trying to live a healthy lifestyle--the guilt involved in saying "no" to others and "yes" to ourselves and our own needs, and the perfectionism that fools us into believing that everything would fall apart if we let go and let others help us. The fact is that you get some of your value--maybe much of it--from thinking that the kids would be total hooligans if you weren't constantly with them, that the house would be condemned if you weren’t cleaning, cleaning, cleaning all the time, that the "Good Mom" brigade would strip you of your rank if you chose your fitness class over sitting through soccer practice. This might sound like tough love, but believe me, I struggle with this too. It's the thing that's hardest for me now, all these years after losing my weight--even harder than resisting an Oreo cookie.
When I'm wrestling with these issues, I call on some of the role models for women I know who somehow manage to treat themselves right without an ounce of guilt about it. I try to think, "What would Ellen do?" (Ellen is one such friend.) Are there women in your life you can look to as role models? Or could you even imagine a powerful female figure to channel when those feelings of guilt and perfectionism threaten to throw you off track? For instance, do you think Meredith Viera would let herself go to pot because she was afraid to let her house get a little dusty? (OK, I know she probably has household help, but you get my point.)
I try to "act as if" I was someone who doesn't feel those feelings of guilt, who expects her partner to happily share the load, who doesn’t beat herself up for her imperfections. And then, I ask for help. I leave the dishes in the sink. I tell my husband I can't do Cub Scouts because of my yoga class. And then, I realize that the earth didn't move, no one outed me as a "bad mom," and my family still loves me, as imperfect as I am. That's all I--we--can do.
Lisa D
DEAR FUTURE FFG: Your questions are at the root of the reason why so many women give up on trying to live a healthy lifestyle--the guilt involved in saying "no" to others and "yes" to ourselves and our own needs, and the perfectionism that fools us into believing that everything would fall apart if we let go and let others help us. The fact is that you get some of your value--maybe much of it--from thinking that the kids would be total hooligans if you weren't constantly with them, that the house would be condemned if you weren’t cleaning, cleaning, cleaning all the time, that the "Good Mom" brigade would strip you of your rank if you chose your fitness class over sitting through soccer practice. This might sound like tough love, but believe me, I struggle with this too. It's the thing that's hardest for me now, all these years after losing my weight--even harder than resisting an Oreo cookie.
When I'm wrestling with these issues, I call on some of the role models for women I know who somehow manage to treat themselves right without an ounce of guilt about it. I try to think, "What would Ellen do?" (Ellen is one such friend.) Are there women in your life you can look to as role models? Or could you even imagine a powerful female figure to channel when those feelings of guilt and perfectionism threaten to throw you off track? For instance, do you think Meredith Viera would let herself go to pot because she was afraid to let her house get a little dusty? (OK, I know she probably has household help, but you get my point.)
I try to "act as if" I was someone who doesn't feel those feelings of guilt, who expects her partner to happily share the load, who doesn’t beat herself up for her imperfections. And then, I ask for help. I leave the dishes in the sink. I tell my husband I can't do Cub Scouts because of my yoga class. And then, I realize that the earth didn't move, no one outed me as a "bad mom," and my family still loves me, as imperfect as I am. That's all I--we--can do.
Lisa D
posted by Lisa Delaney at
8:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home