Help for a helpful hubby
THE HUBBY OF A FUTURE FORMER FAT GIRL WRITES: Is becoming a Former Fat Girl something that has to start with a self realization? How do I, the husband, inspire my wife to make it happen? She isn't terribly overweight, but as we plan for a family, I know it won't get easier for her to control her weight and her health. How do I help my wife do what I know she really wants to do for herself? -Michael A
DEAR MICHAEL A: You are in a tough spot. And you're not the only one: I have received several emails from others asking the same question about their wives and daughters. I do think you have to have some kind of revelation, the old hitting-bottom thing, to really make that commitment. And no amount of pushing on your part will get her there--in fact, it might KEEP her from getting there. Don't get me wrong: You don't sound like a particularly pushy type. But the problem is that when you're in that fat-girl state of mind, you tend to take the most gentle suggestions ("Honey, you wanna go for a walk?") as criticisms, slams, doubts ("Why don't you get off your FAT BUTT?). It reminds me of that old Far Side cartoon (remember those?) where the guy is saying something to his dog like "Did you eat the remote AGAIN?", but all the dog hears is "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "Helpful tips" about nutrition, diet, exercise turn into expressions of doubt that you can actually figure this whole thing out for yourself. Questions about your fitness routine sound like nagging.
So, what to do? Continue living your own healthy life. Go do your workout in the morning. Cook your healthy meals. Invite her on a walk or to the gym (if that's not COMPLETELY out of the realm of possibility) but not too often and ever so gently, so she knows you care. When it looks like she's trying to make a change, SAY NOTHING. Let her do it her own way. She knows you will help if she asks.
A parent emailed me about a similar problem with his daughter, and asked if he should get her a copy of my book. I said no (much to the horror of my publisher, I'm sure!). But I did say that he might want to read it himself to get some insight into his daughter's frame of mind. You might want to do the same (you can get it at the library if you don't want to fork over the $$s)--just don't be tempted to leave it strategically on her bedside table ...
I would love to hear others comment on what they think Michael could do to help his wife--a very lucky wife, I would say, judging from his note. What could YOUR husband/parent/sibling/friend/whatever do to help YOU?
Thanks for writing--
Lisa D
DEAR MICHAEL A: You are in a tough spot. And you're not the only one: I have received several emails from others asking the same question about their wives and daughters. I do think you have to have some kind of revelation, the old hitting-bottom thing, to really make that commitment. And no amount of pushing on your part will get her there--in fact, it might KEEP her from getting there. Don't get me wrong: You don't sound like a particularly pushy type. But the problem is that when you're in that fat-girl state of mind, you tend to take the most gentle suggestions ("Honey, you wanna go for a walk?") as criticisms, slams, doubts ("Why don't you get off your FAT BUTT?). It reminds me of that old Far Side cartoon (remember those?) where the guy is saying something to his dog like "Did you eat the remote AGAIN?", but all the dog hears is "Blah, blah, blah, blah." "Helpful tips" about nutrition, diet, exercise turn into expressions of doubt that you can actually figure this whole thing out for yourself. Questions about your fitness routine sound like nagging.
So, what to do? Continue living your own healthy life. Go do your workout in the morning. Cook your healthy meals. Invite her on a walk or to the gym (if that's not COMPLETELY out of the realm of possibility) but not too often and ever so gently, so she knows you care. When it looks like she's trying to make a change, SAY NOTHING. Let her do it her own way. She knows you will help if she asks.
A parent emailed me about a similar problem with his daughter, and asked if he should get her a copy of my book. I said no (much to the horror of my publisher, I'm sure!). But I did say that he might want to read it himself to get some insight into his daughter's frame of mind. You might want to do the same (you can get it at the library if you don't want to fork over the $$s)--just don't be tempted to leave it strategically on her bedside table ...
I would love to hear others comment on what they think Michael could do to help his wife--a very lucky wife, I would say, judging from his note. What could YOUR husband/parent/sibling/friend/whatever do to help YOU?
Thanks for writing--
Lisa D
posted by Lisa Delaney at
5:57 PM
6 Comments:
I spent a number of years being 30-40 pounds overweight and honestly I am so glad my husband never tried to "help" me. I had so many emotional-eating issues that if I ever thought he was ashamed of how I looked (which is how I would have interpretted any type of well-meaning encouragement), that it would have driven me to eat to comfort myself. I had to decide for myself to make serious life-style changes (I benefitted greatly from Dr. Phil's Ultimate Weight Loss Solution which I listened to over and over on audio CD).
Now that I have made those changes I love it if my husband suggests a walk or a bike ride. I can now see it as support and encouragement toward a goal that I set and he supports -- and I know that he is proud of me for the hard work I've put in to be a healthy mom and wife.
The best thing any husband, boyfriend, parent, etc., can do is to not say anything. 11 years ago, after having my son, my mother was constantly coming at me with comments on my weight. That was the answer for everything--if I just lost weight, life would be better. 11 years later, I still have the weight, but I have a loving husband and a great son, and it is only now that I've realized that I'm really ready to do something about it. So, just leave us Future Former Fat Girls alone--we'll do it when we're ready and if you try to push us before we're ready, we won't do it and we'll resent you for it.
Let her know she is loved as is. The comments after losing weight about how wonderful they look, etc. can lead to doubt about our worth before, and certainly then, after and we might be tempted to eat to feel better.
Say, I'm glad you are feeling good.
Telling someone they need to lose weight is like telling a smoker, you know, smoking is bad for you and you should really quit. What do you expect to hear? "Really? I had no idea! Thanks for telling me!".
People know what they need to do and why. If they seek out advice that's another thing.
Great question! I must confess that my dear husband threatened to divorce me for being 20 lbs heavier than when we married. While I found his criticism to be extremely hurtful, selfish and hypocritical - it did offend me so deeply that I vowed to make a change. I wanted to "show him" that I could do it. And I did.
Although I do not think that his threat to divorce me was the best way to go about it, now I am thankful that it motivated me to eat healthy and get back into exercising regularly. I physically feel much better, even if emotionally I feel a bit disappointed that my husband is not able to love me for my inner beauty alone.
I will add that snide comments such as "Look at that woman on TV, she is so fat" (she looked like me) or even 'helpful' comments like "Oh good, I like it when you exercise!" seem to be subtle - to a person who knows they are overweight these comments are obvious digs! And speaking for myself, I wish to stuff my face with food to rebel against these hurtful words. I think the most positive thing is to set a good example yourself and make healthy eating and lifestyle a priority for the whole family.
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