I Just Want to Celebrate!

Hey--

So I'm finally--after shipping it back FIVE times ... and I am not exaggerating! ... sitting at my new desk in my new home office, writing to all of you. To say that the last two weeks have been interesting doesn't really say anything ... I feel, in many ways, so FREE. And that's not just because I've worn a bra exactly three times during that period (except for my sports bras when I run). I feel almost a literal weightlessness. Right after I told my boss I was quitting, I felt like I was flying during my 5 a.m. runs ... and that's saying a lot for this almost-47-year-old body. I was driving home after dropping Johnny off at kindergarten last week, and I just wanted to shout! I feel almost like I felt when I went scuba diving for the first time, off a Caribbean island called Bonaire. Suspended in a sea of nothing and everything, alone (in a good way) in the middle of nowhere/everywhere. Knowing that what I do and when I do it is up to ME (and, really it always has been!).

Anyway.

Before I lose you all in nonsensical profundity, to the point. I have been thinking for months now about how to celebrate. How to celebrate writing a book that was gestating in me for over 8 years. How to celebrate the amazing response it's gotten from women like you ... women all over the world (or at least in the US and the UK, thanks to today's Guest Book poster from across the pond!). To celebrate this amazing new life where, through FFG and through my new job, I'm really able to pursue my mission: to help make the lives of women from all walks of life a little healthier.

I've become a bit picky (picky? MOI?) about celebrations especially in the last several years. I LOVE my husband, but when I say I want to do something special, he automatically says ... "Where do you want to go for dinner?" I could really care less about dinner. And it's not because I'm such a Spartan that I can't let loose a bit. And it's not that I want to put Rick through all kinds of gyrations just to celebrate an anniversary or birthday. With us, it's the age-old man/woman thing: I JUST want a little creativity. But I can live with dinner out, or with a piece of jewelry (I should be grateful, right?).

But a birthday's a birthday; an anniversary's an anniversary--I will (hopefully!) have one every year for a long time to come. Writing the book, though ... that's been a DREAM of mine since I was a child. I still forget, some days, that I actually did it. How do you celebrate reaching a life goal? A dinner of cedar-planked salmon won't do it--EVEN with chocolate layer cake for dessert.

I have been talking about this with my friend Lynn a bit. Lynn and I were both dealing with major career issues this summer. She ended up snagging a HUGE promotion, right around the time that I got my new job. I think kvetching with her was what got me through a summer of horribly hot runs. So we have both been trying to figure out how we want to celebrate ... maybe with the other two women in our little running group. But we just haven't found anything that sounds special enough (that isn't a $5,000 week at a spa!). We've looked into weekend girls-only getaways that won't break our bank accounts, but nothing has jumped out at us yet. I'll keep you posted (and please let me know if you have any ideas!).

Why am I yammering on about this to you? Well, one of the things about being a Former Fat Girl is figuring out how to treat yourself in ways that don't involve food. When you take food off the table (pardon the pun) ... what is it that really makes you feel special? What is a true, soul-satisfying reward? I think it's especially hard to answer that question, because really, food wasn't it either. We use it as a substitute for what we REALLY want, REALLY need to be happy in life. It's easy to get so far out of touch that you don't even ASK yourself that question at all ... and when you do, it's not all that easy to figure out how to answer. I think one of the things that has helped me over the years (even though you know I OFTEN fall off the wagon!) is to have a list of really soul-satisfying, non-food rewards. Some of mine are (in no particular order):
--books ... preferably brand new ... from the bookstore
--an entire day to myself ... no children, husband, obligations (I call this one "heaven" ... at the same time that I feel completely guilty about it!)
--a trip to the movie theater BY MYSELF to see whatever I want ... with a small popcorn and diet coke!
--a GREAT pedicure, massage, or facial
--a long walk or hike with my dog
--staying at a great hotel (even if it's on business)
--seeing live music and/or theater
--a bike ride with my friend Jill, followed by a glass of wine and dinner at her house
--backpacking with my husband
--travel, of course ... especially to somewhere new ... whether it's by myself, with my husband and son, or with girlfriends

Just writing these down makes me feel renewed, somehow. Reminds me of the things I really LOVE and need to do more often. Brings me back to places and feelings and people that have made me the happiest.

I'd like to do a little experiment: First, if you have celebrated some huge life achievement in a creative way, please post! Second, use a post to write down your own list of rewards, and tell me how posting them here makes you feel. If you got as much out of it as I did, we might need to have a message board devoted JUST to this topic on FFG.com Version 2.0 (coming soon!).

Happy week!

Lisa D

Greetings from the Un-comfort Zone!

New job, Day One.

For the first time in 12 years, I did not get in my car and drive the 11-minute commute to an office.

And it feels completely weird.

My last day at my old job was a week ago Friday ... capping an emotional two weeks from when I first announced my departure. Actually, the whole summer has been emotional for me, but it got even harder when I had to explain my decision to leave to the people I'd worked with for so long. The best thing about it was having the chance to tell them, once and for all, how much I valued them, and to hear how much they valued me. Funny ... or maybe that's not the right word? ... that we wait until someone's leaving to give them the compliments, the credit, the thank yous they've deserved for so long. As a manager, I tried to do that as I was pushing my employees to do their best, but I know I didn't say "thank you, great job" often enough. And I didn't hear it enough either. One of the things ... the most important things ... I'm taking with me out of this whole experience is the lesson that you can never say thank you enough.

Anyway ...

Now, I am here, in my makeshift office. I had last week off ... purportedly to get the "perfect" home office set up for my new beginning. And you know how it goes when you set out to do the "perfect" anything ... s*&^% happens. Like my son, who hasn't been sick in literally two years (and at age six, that's a third of his life!) ... ends up in the nurse's office at school with a sore throat and fever. He's still not right ... home from school on my first day. In the other room, watching Scooby Doo while I try to learn this whole new thing. Then, the desk I ordered online ... the matching file cabinets didn't exactly match. Instead of sending two white ones, they sent one black and one white. I'm sure the HGTV Design Star person could make it work, but not me. So, I had to pack an entire file cabinet up and send it back. Got the replacement quick--and, when I opened it this morning, on my first day of work, all ready to fill it up with nice, shiny new files, I discover that the veneer is peeling off. So it's back in the box, waiting on my porch for yet another UPS guy to pick it up. Let's hope the third time's a charm.

I've been thinking a lot about "perfect" the last week or so, and not just because things haven't exactly been going as planned. I read last week about a new study that showed how women today are much less satisfied, much less happy than they were in the 70s. The editorial commentators thought this was curious, particularly in the light of all the progress that has been made over these 30 some-odd years ... you know, women in space, Hillary a viable presidential candidate, females outnumbering males in the workplace as well as in colleges, younger women out-earning younger men ... With all that progress, what do we have to be sour about? But they pointed out that all these new developments have just added more to our to-do lists. Clean the toilets, check. Pack kids' lunches, check. Pay light bill, check. Solve health-care crisis, check.

I see myself in all of this, you know. That's me ... the one whose first impulse is to sign up for all of it. To hand-make the kid's Halloween costume. To host Thanksgiving dinner for my in-laws. To say I'll help out at my OLD job, while I've not even wrapped my head around the NEW one. To say yes to anyone who even hints that they might need me. To set myself up as the Go-To Girl once again. And to walk around in a chronic state of dissatisfaction, inadequacy, self-doubt, because I can never, ever do it all PERFECTLY.

And I'm not the only one. This perfectionism, all-or-nothing, over-achieving thing is something I believe Future Former Fat Girls and Former Fat Girls share. It's at the very heart of why we can't seem to drop those damn pounds in the first place. It's what drives us to eat the whole half-gallon of butter pecan because we screwed up and had a spoonful ... when we promised ourselves we wouldn't. It's what keeps us on the couch because we don't have a full hour to exercise, so why do anything at all? It's why we can't imagine how we could find time to cook a great healthy dish instead of run through the drive-through--not with all those Very Important Commitments to Everyone But Ourselves.

Isn't it interesting that not only have we become more dissatisfied over the last 30 years, we have become heavier, too. The expectations we have of ourselves--to make costumes worthy of Martha, to cook meals as good as Giada, to have skin as smooth as those smiling women in the Botox commercials (without Botox!)--create so much stress that we dive into our pantries for solace. Food has become even more of a refuge from the demands of the world, as the world has become even more demanding.

Yes, I am a Former Fat Girl--I've lost the weight, I've kept it off. I have become a different person than I was 20 years ago. But these perfectionistic tendencies are things I deal with every day, even now--just as I still use INO (It's Not an Option) to keep me from stealing into the kitchen for an M&M cookie (I know EXACTLY where they are in the pantry ... and how many are left!). All I can do is try, every day, to see the world ... and MYSELF ... as the imperfect thing it is, to roll with it when things don't go according to plan. To forgive ... myself, my circumstances, whatever ...

And that's what I'm doing right now, sitting at the plastic card table my husband uses to display his screws and sawblades (he sells hardware for a living) instead of my gleaming antique white desk in my cozy, little workspace. Not exactly a "perfect" start.

But, it's a start. And that's good enough, for now.

Lisa D