Something to Snack On

Hi--

OK, so this has been the craziest two weeks.

--I did a TV taping for Fox 6 in Bham
--I had pre first-day-of-kindergarten teacher meetings, open house, crazy purchasing of supplies and uniform stuff
--I experienced the requisite last-day-of preschool meltdown (uh, that was me, not Johnny)
--I did an interview for Quick and Simple magazine (for which next week I have to do a photo shoot! with my family! including my very unruly dog!) And no, still don't know which issue it will be in ...
--I had my mom and nephew in town for a last-days-of summer visit ...
--We had Johnny's first day of kindergarten! No tears, no problem! (for him, not me!)
--I did a little talk at the Mountain Brook Library here in Bham--on Johnny's first day of school (VERY poor planning on my part)
--I flew to New York to do the CBS Early Show (my FIRST national TV thing!) for Health magazine (no, unfortunately NOT for FFG ... but I'm still hoping!)

All the while doing my day job and trying to still grapple with the issue I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. Still completely in the middle, on the edge, not knowing what to do. But things are becoming somewhat clearer. Last week, I didn't sleep much at all. This week, I'm sleeping well (not counting being up at 2 a.m. this morning for about an hour). But i am trying to stand firm. I am trying to put ME (and my family) first ... despite subtle attempts to make me feel bad for doing so. Thank you all for your messages of strength and for believing in me ... you all help me keep believing.

I wanted to write a bit about an issue I'm having with Johnny. You know, he's in kindergarten from 8-3 every day, and then he goes to after-care (I'm trying to pick him up no later than 5:15, which is causing some issues at work). He has a snack in the a.m., which I pack (yogurt, fruit, peanut butter crackers), because he doesn't eat lunch until 12:30. But every day at aftercare, there's a box of cookies, grape juice or KoolAid or something, and graham crackers and peanut butter--which they can eat at will. On top of that, there's a whole closet full of single-serving bags of chips, Rice Krispie treats, you name it.

Now, I know my son. He's going to eat himself sick on that crap (excuse me!). I've talked to him about it--said he should only have one treat, and he has agreed. But yesterday, he had ... two chocolate chip cookies, and had just grabbed a third when I walked in to get him. He said "Sorry, mommy. But it's SO hard." Well, of course it's hard. He tried to blame the women who work there for making it available, and I told him it was up to him to choose what he was going to eat.

Now, I'm not freaking out about this. We have stopped giving him treats at home, except for on the weekend. Which kind of pisses me off because I've found that I LIKE making him happy that way. In a way, though, it's good to be challenged as a mom, and as a Former Fat Girl, to break that cycle of using food to reward and to show love. It's always been about spending time together, about interacting, about playing and reading and dancing and telling stories. But I'm realizing now that food is not an option (there's that phrase again!) as a way to reward my little guy, I have had to be even more creative.

But I have to say, it makes me angry that we have to deal with this in an age where childhood obesity is making headlines EVERY DAY. Why is it necessary for kids to have such bounty available to them? I think there are very few kids who can stop themselves from overindulging. After all, where did the whole cliche "Kid in a candy shop" come from?

I have to figure out how to handle this in a way that's not confrontational ... that's helpful. Part of this is, I think, getting to know the other parents and whether they have an issue with it. Maybe if I'm not the only one, we can make a change. We have to stand up for our kids. We have to use our power as parents.

I mentioned this situation at work, and another mom of older kids said that I just had to get used to not having control over what my son eats. Maybe that's part of it. I'm not saying my son doesn't deserve a couple of cookies after school. But as many as he wants? No. There's no reason for it.

You guys who don't have kids--sorry for my venting. But this is really ALL our problem. When I was a Fat Girl, I could look around in my class ... in third grade, fourth grade ... and there was maybe one or two other kids who were as big (or bigger) than me. Now, half the class in some cases are overweight--and much more overweight than I was. These kids deserve a better life, just as we do. They deserve some help from people who know what overeating does to your body, your health, your WHOLE LIFE. A recent study showed that overweight girls were less likely to go to college, less likely to seek professional jobs, etc. THAT WAS ME. Oh, I went to college, but I held myself back in so many other ways.

Teaching healthy eating habits and backing that up with behaviors (as my dad would say "putting your money where your mouth is") is a way of empowering kids BEYOND just the physical. Let's work together to make it happen.

Thanks for reading--

Lisa D

Postcard from The Edge

Hi, everyone--

I have to tell you a story. Yesterday, I was taping a segment for our local Fox 6 TV station on my book (so strange for me to think I will be on TV! Next Tuesday in Birmingham!). It was actually really fun, and easier than I thought it would be--I had a great conversation with the reporter, Devon Walsh, about my story and the secrets I used to finally drop the weight. At one point, she asked me to read out loud a couple of portions from the book. I read a bit from the introduction, where I talked about how being a "fat girl" isn't really just about weight--it's about what's in your head (one of THE most important points in the book). And then Devon asked me to read a part that kind of sums up my journey. So I turned to the final page of Chapter 7, and read the part about how my son knows me as someone who "stands up for herself," who looks at life as "one uncomfortable adventure."

Wow.

Not that it was such a great bit of prose or anything. But those words hit me hard: I have slipped back into that self-sacrificing role ... I've lost a bit of that Former Fat Girl me in the day to day of getting it done ... all of a sudden, I'm back in my comfort zone, afraid to do what I need to do with my life. Argh.

Isn't that always the way? You think you have it all figured out, and then something happens and you realize ... oops, there I go again. And it's funny--I think I have put more pressure on myself to have all the answers since this book has come out, to be the perfect Former Fat Girl, all the while yakking about how perfection isn't possible. The truth is, I still struggle with all that stuff--the self-sacrificing, the perfectionism, the fear of disappointing, of not being loved. I struggle with that more than with the desire to run to the pantry for a 4:42 a.m. snack (as you can see, I haven't been sleeping much lately). And that's saying A LOT, you know.

I knew the last couple of months have been out of control--work wise, home wise, everything wise--that I'm doing too much, that I'm so overwhelmed with work, in particular, that I'm not at my best at home. But until I read that passage, I just didn't get how far gone I was. Part of it is the usual thing that happens when I'm going through a transition. The struggle to get to a decision is always so much harder for me than dealing with the aftermath. I always think about the first time I went rappelling. If you've never been, you should totally do it. It's the perfect thing for Former Fat Girls and Future FFGs: It's all about trust and risk. The hardest part is backing over the edge, those two or three seconds (more if you're really freaking out) where you're going from vertical to horizontal, where you're testing the ropes to see if they can REALLY hold your weight (that was a big thing for me my first time!). Once I got over the edge, the rest was easy--even fun--and all the more satisfying, knowing just how scary it was looking down from the top.

I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for what I want. I'm better at knowing what I DON'T want than what I DO want. What's that about? Maybe it's because I'm so tuned into other people's needs, anticipating them so I can make sure I'm right there, plugging the holes, getting it done, being the hero. I'm so focused on THEM that when it comes to ME, I'm speechless (and I'm not speechless about much, let me tell you!). I also think it's part of being a fat girl--we eat as a diversion, we numb ourselves to our true needs and desires with food.

But I think I have finally turned a corner. Figured out what I want to do about my situation, even started the conversation I need to have (but not finished it ... which also makes things harder). I know I'm being cryptic--I can't really broadcast what I'm thinking about just yet--but let's just say my goal is to have more time for blogging, more time for you, more time for me, more time for Johnny (who starts kindergarten next week, by the way!), more time for living. I will have an update for you in a few weeks, I promise. In the meantime, let me hear from you. Do you have trouble figuring out what you want--and then making it happen? Any tips, or word of encouragement (my, the tables have turned!) for me, as I work through this mysterious issue in my life? I would love to hear ...

Thanks for listening--
Lisa D