I Give UP!
I know lots of you have come to expect messages of hope, inspiration, motivation from this FFG. But today, I may not deliver. See ... I've got a confession to make (tis the season for fessing up for Catholic girls like me).
I quit.
The other day, I went to a Pilates class. Now, I have done Pilates before, and, while I don't buy the idea that there is one perfect workout out there that will transform our bodies ... Pilates comes pretty close. The couple of times that I have done it with any consistency, I can see and feel the changes in my body so fast ... it's amazing. Talk about your total-body toning. And those of you who have back problems should check it out (after talking to your doc).
I'm not saying Pilates is easy. Just the opposite. (In fact, what makes it less than perfect is that it's so damn hard!) I have seen it bring big, strapping football player-types to tears (on second thought, maybe that was sweat).
So, I go to this class, despite the fact that I was EXHAUSTED. Not merely tired, which is my usual state, but an empty shell. A deflated balloon. As listless as the most overcooked strand of spaghetti you have ever stomached. (I think you get the picture.) So what do I do? I go anyway. It's rare that I have the TIME to go, but I was off that day, so I thought, to h*** with what my body's saying ... I'm going anyway.
And it was a disaster.
I felt like crap the whole time. I struggled to do even the most simple pose. I could feel my back cramping, my neck aching, and finally, I just quit. I walked out.
But I didn't WIMP out. I did what my body was screaming for me to do ... give it a rest.
One of my issues as a Former Fat Girl is knowing what I NEED at any given time. It was a problem back when I was heavy, when it was more important to take care of everyone else's needs before my own, and it is a problem now. The challenge now is that it takes different forms. Back then, I NEEDED to get off my butt and get to Pilates, to drown out that whiner in my head who wanted me to quit, to use INO (It's Not an Option) to keep me true to my workouts, true to myself. But it is a BALANCE. Sometimes that little voice inside your head isn't the whiner, it's the voice of reason. It's the voice telling you that the healthiest thing to do for yourself is to take a freakin' nap.
How do you know what path to follow? How do you know when you need to push yourself, or ease off?
I have no easy answer. All I can say is that I KNOW. I know what I need, deep inside, even though sometimes I have to dig for it. Even though sometimes I mistake the whiner for the voice of reason ... and vice versa. Part of the trick is to find that quiet place in your head, away from the "noise" of life and all its demands and preconceptions of who you are, where you are comfortable with your most secret thoughts and desires. And then to use that place as your base of operations, the place where you make all your decisions, big and small. I try to get to that place as much as possible ... even envision what it would look like, and see myself sitting there. (Mine looks a little like a room I was lucky enough to stay in at the Mandarin Oriental in New York ...!)
And the other thing is, when you get it wrong, to forgive yourself and move on. I have gotten much better at this over the years (it must be all the practice I've had!), but still, it is work for this recovering perfectionist.
Like I said at the beginning--maybe this isn't the most inspirational message this FFG has to pass on. But it is honest. And I think it's important for you all to know that there isn't some switch I have flipped in my head that makes balance a no-brainer. It is an ongoing conversation, a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute process. Part of getting to that FFG place is recognizing this, accepting it, and embracing it.
Stay strong in your journey!
Lisa D
I quit.
The other day, I went to a Pilates class. Now, I have done Pilates before, and, while I don't buy the idea that there is one perfect workout out there that will transform our bodies ... Pilates comes pretty close. The couple of times that I have done it with any consistency, I can see and feel the changes in my body so fast ... it's amazing. Talk about your total-body toning. And those of you who have back problems should check it out (after talking to your doc).
I'm not saying Pilates is easy. Just the opposite. (In fact, what makes it less than perfect is that it's so damn hard!) I have seen it bring big, strapping football player-types to tears (on second thought, maybe that was sweat).
So, I go to this class, despite the fact that I was EXHAUSTED. Not merely tired, which is my usual state, but an empty shell. A deflated balloon. As listless as the most overcooked strand of spaghetti you have ever stomached. (I think you get the picture.) So what do I do? I go anyway. It's rare that I have the TIME to go, but I was off that day, so I thought, to h*** with what my body's saying ... I'm going anyway.
And it was a disaster.
I felt like crap the whole time. I struggled to do even the most simple pose. I could feel my back cramping, my neck aching, and finally, I just quit. I walked out.
But I didn't WIMP out. I did what my body was screaming for me to do ... give it a rest.
One of my issues as a Former Fat Girl is knowing what I NEED at any given time. It was a problem back when I was heavy, when it was more important to take care of everyone else's needs before my own, and it is a problem now. The challenge now is that it takes different forms. Back then, I NEEDED to get off my butt and get to Pilates, to drown out that whiner in my head who wanted me to quit, to use INO (It's Not an Option) to keep me true to my workouts, true to myself. But it is a BALANCE. Sometimes that little voice inside your head isn't the whiner, it's the voice of reason. It's the voice telling you that the healthiest thing to do for yourself is to take a freakin' nap.
How do you know what path to follow? How do you know when you need to push yourself, or ease off?
I have no easy answer. All I can say is that I KNOW. I know what I need, deep inside, even though sometimes I have to dig for it. Even though sometimes I mistake the whiner for the voice of reason ... and vice versa. Part of the trick is to find that quiet place in your head, away from the "noise" of life and all its demands and preconceptions of who you are, where you are comfortable with your most secret thoughts and desires. And then to use that place as your base of operations, the place where you make all your decisions, big and small. I try to get to that place as much as possible ... even envision what it would look like, and see myself sitting there. (Mine looks a little like a room I was lucky enough to stay in at the Mandarin Oriental in New York ...!)
And the other thing is, when you get it wrong, to forgive yourself and move on. I have gotten much better at this over the years (it must be all the practice I've had!), but still, it is work for this recovering perfectionist.
Like I said at the beginning--maybe this isn't the most inspirational message this FFG has to pass on. But it is honest. And I think it's important for you all to know that there isn't some switch I have flipped in my head that makes balance a no-brainer. It is an ongoing conversation, a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute process. Part of getting to that FFG place is recognizing this, accepting it, and embracing it.
Stay strong in your journey!
Lisa D
posted by Lisa Delaney at
9:04 AM
10 Comments:
Actually, I think this is a really strong and powerful message -- and important for everybody to see that even those of us who have seemingly slain the FFG beast STILL have days where we just don't wanna... and usually that's a sign that it is time to slow down. I call them "retracking days," and i have absolutely no shame about calling in sick to work and making sure I catch up on sleep, cleaning, restock on healthy groceries, and then do something nice for myself (bubble bath, manicure, etc.)
Putting myself first was definitely the hardest and most important lesson in this all!
~jessica
Hi Lisa,
Wonderful message in your blog. I have those days too, where if I have to talk myself into working out over 10 times, then it's time for a rest. This is seriously the first time period in 4 years that I have rested on weekends instead of running around taking care of everyone, but me. I can't tell you how many weekends I got home at 9:00 pm after doing errands. I now go to bed early even on weekends, whereas before I thought I was always missing something or had to be doing a million things. Not anymore. I agree with Jessica, putting yourself first is really hard. And it sometimes means leaving jobs that are hostile, leaving bad friends and finally saying "no", when all those past years you said "yes" and didn't mean it. Thank you, Lisa, for your kind words and strength as it has helped me more than you know. Take care.
Kelly
Oooohhhhhh! I am on a serious mission to become a FFG. There are days that I want to quit but use my mantra (courtesy of Lance Armstrong) to remind myself that I want to live strong....that stifles that old whiner! You know what has been the best message for me (I work full time in my career that has me on airplanes every other week and am a mom of three cool young guys) hasn't been the reminder to put myself first. I really thought that was going to be my goal. I actually have enjoyed finding FFG's. I didn't realize there were so many inspiring examples at my local "Y". I didn't notice that they have been sitting beside me in cycling class. I just assumed they were the genetically blessed! They have been my biggest inspiration. Thanks Lisa for teaching me how to find them!!! I feel like I have you with me all day!
Thanks for the reminder to listen to that voice that keeps us in BALANCE!
I can totally appreciate your point. I fall over a lot in pilates/yoga anyway, but when I am super tired and/or stressed the floor to me ratio increases by a factor of ten. I think I would rather be one of the few people falling over than known as 'the one who always farts' - cause there is always someone who does that too!
Hey, anonymous! You have succeeded in making me laugh out loud today! I am not above a good "fart" joke!
Lisa D
Lisa writes: " wrote about that in my book. How the things that most scare me are the ones that, in the end, have the most potential for making me happy (ok, except maybe pit vipers)."
I'm reading your book, but, at 300 pounds, it's like reading the travel guide of a person who's in a country you know you will never go to (or see) again. Therefore, I must ask a few questions, that may not have answers. Here goes: Don't you think it's *also* brave, to "live fat" in a world that hates fat people - especially fat women? Don't you think it's brave to honor one's true appetite (I'm not talking about bingeing, here), instead of always fighting it (and, if you believe statistics, 90% of people who lose weight gain it all back, + more. I don't know if this applies to those who lose 50 or less pounds. I'm talking about the person who tries to lose 150 pounds). You see, it's not the same kind of battle when you have that much weight to lose. Gina Kolata, science writer for the NYTimes, writes that people who somehow manage to take off that much weight live in a state of constant, ongoing starvation, even though they look normal. They do not have the same sense of hunger as people who never had to lose 90 or more pounds).http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/08/health/08fat.html
It's brave to live fat if you can't get thin - ever - again. It's brave to try to eat as healthily as you can - and force yourself to exercise - even if it's only moderately. But to do consistently. It's brave to know you will never have that "brass ring" of thin to reach for - or even normal weight - yet not give up. It's brave to *not* have the very risky gastric bypass operation (as did Carnie Wilson. She is definitely in the public eye - and yet, has gained back a considerable amount of weight). It's brave to admire your book and your achievements and strength - yet not hate myself. I am talking about a kind of bravery that is all too easy to overlook - especially since my large size is all people can - or will - see, anyway. I guess this sounds pathetic, but I think it's also brave. Probably my problems are beyond the scope of your book, in all honesty. I simply ask for you - and others - to consider a sort of "bravery" that applies to people of a very large size that does not pity them. A sense of respect, rather, for what they can achieve - and a sense of compassion for what they cannot.
This is in response to Fauve - I read Lisa's book at 280lbs, and what she says applies to people at any weight. Her book was't written to preach to anyone about the importance of weight loss or to convince anyone that eating broccoli and grilled chicken three times a day is the only way to do it. It is her story. Her life, put into words for the purpose of hoping to inspire one other person (hopefully more) that losing weight can be done. The message (to me) is that if you're motivated and determined enough - you can accomplish anything--regardless of size, and that you don't have to stand for being invisible.
I agree that it is brave to try and lose weight without surgery (I have an opinion about that surgery - will save that for another soap box moment). I used to think that staying fat was easier, and that it was my way of 'sticking it to the man' for living in a socity so driven by looks/weight etc. I then realized that by staying fat and being unhappy - the only person I was spiting was myself. Losing weight is a huge learning process. I started the journey myself about nine months ago, and it is HARD! I have always known it would be hard, I just didn't realize how much hard work it would be. Sure, I've tried to lose weight before and have put it all back on, but this time I am doing it for me. I am doing it because I want to, and am looking at it in a completely different way. I want to be smaller not because someone tells me I should be, but because I want to know what it's like. I want to know if the world would seem different, or if I would be different. Most of all - I want to be able to do the 'gun show' pose without fear that my eye will be poked out by flying arm flab! That pose is supposed to look cool, and when your eye is suddenly poked out by flying flesh, the coolness factor drops significantly and the potential for eye surgery and a pirate patch increases by a factor of ten. Just sayin'.
Anyway, sorry about the soap box, just wanted to say that it is absolutely possible to lose a significant amount of weight. I am not at my goal weight yet, but I am down 50lbs, with another 100lbs to go. Motivation will get you started, determination will keep you there.
Lisa i think that this IS just about the most inspirational post you could make...about listening to yourself and balance! thank you! and thank you for being honest about it being on ongoing never ending journey - this is exactly what i have discovered for myself too. Thanks for sharing your journey with us and congratulations to you!
As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me. Thank you
Generally I do not post on blogs, but I would like to say that this post really forced me to do so! really nice post.
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