A Little Forgiveness
Hi, FFG friends--
So, it's the morning after the morning after ... And if you have to ask "After what?" then you might be reading the wrong blog. As they say on Jeopardy, What is Halloween. The annual orgy of everything sugary and sweet. Satan's favorite holiday. The official kick off for the most challenging time of year for we FFGs and Future FFGs. I tell you, I don't have to go to a haunted house to get creeped out by guys soaked in fake blood--the scary scene in my own house is enough to make me run screaming. Not only have I had to deal with the bags of candy we bought to be distributed to the 100 million trick-or-treaters who come to our house annually (you'd think we REALLY got that many kids, judging by the massive bags we bought home from Kmart). Now I've got Johnny's plastic pumpkin full. And it's SO much more fun to dig through that, because you never know what you're going to find . . . Mini Junior Mints! Multicolored Kissables! (What's this? Temporary tattoos? BORING!) Those big, thick Tootsie Rolls! Tiny Chick-o-Sticks!
I've got to stop myself before I dive in and grab myself a handful.
So here we are, in the aftermath. Faced with the inevitable temptations. Working that INO. Trying to tune out that whiner in our heads ("Why can't I have one little piece, plleeeeeze?").
Doing our best to stick to the plan, whatever the plan might be.
Mine changes. Last night, I told myself I could have one of those mini bags of Peanut M&Ms, because those little nuggets of perfection might just be on my last meal list, if I had to give you one. So I ate them, one at a time, biting each in half and doing my best to make the bliss last. Meditating on the afterglow to will the flavor to remain as long as possible in my mouth.
And then, I thought . . . ooh, one of those big, fat Tootsie Rolls would be good. And they're not so bad . . . at least they're non-fat (as you can see, I was ready to justify about anything at that point). So I gave in. To that . . . and a few more Tootsie Rolls. And maybe a Hershey's Kiss or two. And . . .
I can just HEAR you all saying . . . that's NOTHING. Lemme tell you what I put away last night! But ladies, this is NOT a competition. I wouldn't say last night was a binge, but I certainly went way beyond the point where I intended to STOP.
And typically, what happens next is the usual internal lecture, the judgment and condemnation, the finger wagging disapproval. All that crap that leaves me (and all of us) feeling like dirt. And feeling like . . . I'm SUCH a piece of dirt, I don't deserve to treat myself and my body right. I don't DESERVE all the energy I put into learning how to eat right, planning my meals, psyching myself up to exercise, rewarding my progress, all that. Because a measly little pack of Peanut M&Ms can take me down in a split second.
One of the things that I have worked on over the years, and continue to work on DAILY, is forgiveness. I realized, at some point in this journey, that I was so willing to forgive everyone else their "weaknesses" (I put that in quotations because ... I hate that word! I don't really think they exist but I used it so you would know what I mean), but that somehow, I was unworthy of that forgiveness. Somehow, I was unforgivable. And that feeling of being unforgivable was one of the things keeping me stuck in my body and a way of thinking about myself that was unhealthy.
I have had to work to rewire that part of my brain so that I'm just as forgivable as the people closest to me. That I should forgive myself like I would forgive my child, my husband, my parents, my sister. That I should show the same compassion for myself as I would show for them. Or the kids on the UNICEF commercials. Because I am worthy of that compassion.
I think forgiveness is such a part of the Former Fat Girl journey that it might just be the 8th Secret. (Hey, I have a sequel!) We are who we are. We can always be better—but that doesn't mean we’re starting at BAD. We're just reaching for more, and because we're, uh, HUMAN, we'll be doing that all our lives.
Sooo. About that damn candy. Think about this:
--the 23 hours and 45 minutes yesterday that you WEREN'T eating it. I would say that's a mighty impressive feat. Congratulate yourself!
--the freezer. Laffy Taffy is horribly hard frozen. I know. I've tried it. Several times.
--the trash can. Hey, I hate waste more than anyone. But trashing the stuff is cheaper than therapy . . . and Weight Watchers . . . and a bigger pair of jeans. (Of course, I have to mix it up with other garbage or put the can out at the curb where the neighbors could see me digging anything out . . . because I have been known to do a little dumpster diving).
--the soldiers. OK, I know I'm not the only one who heard about the dentist who buys back Halloween candy and sends it to the troops in Iraq. I think we should start a FFG movement: Snickers for the Soldiers. We could all pack up our Halloween loot and ship it off. I think that's a little more socially responsible than foisting it on your poor co-workers.
More ideas welcome!
And remember . . . These are Trying Times. And I mean that two ways . . . they’re HARD times (because Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah and New Years . . . they're following close behind). But they're also times to think about the fact that your goal is to Just Try. To take those little steps that add up to FFG success. And to forgive yourself when you stumble, trip, fall. To remember that ... tomorrow is another chance to start fresh.
Your partner in this journey,
Lisa D
So, it's the morning after the morning after ... And if you have to ask "After what?" then you might be reading the wrong blog. As they say on Jeopardy, What is Halloween. The annual orgy of everything sugary and sweet. Satan's favorite holiday. The official kick off for the most challenging time of year for we FFGs and Future FFGs. I tell you, I don't have to go to a haunted house to get creeped out by guys soaked in fake blood--the scary scene in my own house is enough to make me run screaming. Not only have I had to deal with the bags of candy we bought to be distributed to the 100 million trick-or-treaters who come to our house annually (you'd think we REALLY got that many kids, judging by the massive bags we bought home from Kmart). Now I've got Johnny's plastic pumpkin full. And it's SO much more fun to dig through that, because you never know what you're going to find . . . Mini Junior Mints! Multicolored Kissables! (What's this? Temporary tattoos? BORING!) Those big, thick Tootsie Rolls! Tiny Chick-o-Sticks!
I've got to stop myself before I dive in and grab myself a handful.
So here we are, in the aftermath. Faced with the inevitable temptations. Working that INO. Trying to tune out that whiner in our heads ("Why can't I have one little piece, plleeeeeze?").
Doing our best to stick to the plan, whatever the plan might be.
Mine changes. Last night, I told myself I could have one of those mini bags of Peanut M&Ms, because those little nuggets of perfection might just be on my last meal list, if I had to give you one. So I ate them, one at a time, biting each in half and doing my best to make the bliss last. Meditating on the afterglow to will the flavor to remain as long as possible in my mouth.
And then, I thought . . . ooh, one of those big, fat Tootsie Rolls would be good. And they're not so bad . . . at least they're non-fat (as you can see, I was ready to justify about anything at that point). So I gave in. To that . . . and a few more Tootsie Rolls. And maybe a Hershey's Kiss or two. And . . .
I can just HEAR you all saying . . . that's NOTHING. Lemme tell you what I put away last night! But ladies, this is NOT a competition. I wouldn't say last night was a binge, but I certainly went way beyond the point where I intended to STOP.
And typically, what happens next is the usual internal lecture, the judgment and condemnation, the finger wagging disapproval. All that crap that leaves me (and all of us) feeling like dirt. And feeling like . . . I'm SUCH a piece of dirt, I don't deserve to treat myself and my body right. I don't DESERVE all the energy I put into learning how to eat right, planning my meals, psyching myself up to exercise, rewarding my progress, all that. Because a measly little pack of Peanut M&Ms can take me down in a split second.
One of the things that I have worked on over the years, and continue to work on DAILY, is forgiveness. I realized, at some point in this journey, that I was so willing to forgive everyone else their "weaknesses" (I put that in quotations because ... I hate that word! I don't really think they exist but I used it so you would know what I mean), but that somehow, I was unworthy of that forgiveness. Somehow, I was unforgivable. And that feeling of being unforgivable was one of the things keeping me stuck in my body and a way of thinking about myself that was unhealthy.
I have had to work to rewire that part of my brain so that I'm just as forgivable as the people closest to me. That I should forgive myself like I would forgive my child, my husband, my parents, my sister. That I should show the same compassion for myself as I would show for them. Or the kids on the UNICEF commercials. Because I am worthy of that compassion.
I think forgiveness is such a part of the Former Fat Girl journey that it might just be the 8th Secret. (Hey, I have a sequel!) We are who we are. We can always be better—but that doesn't mean we’re starting at BAD. We're just reaching for more, and because we're, uh, HUMAN, we'll be doing that all our lives.
Sooo. About that damn candy. Think about this:
--the 23 hours and 45 minutes yesterday that you WEREN'T eating it. I would say that's a mighty impressive feat. Congratulate yourself!
--the freezer. Laffy Taffy is horribly hard frozen. I know. I've tried it. Several times.
--the trash can. Hey, I hate waste more than anyone. But trashing the stuff is cheaper than therapy . . . and Weight Watchers . . . and a bigger pair of jeans. (Of course, I have to mix it up with other garbage or put the can out at the curb where the neighbors could see me digging anything out . . . because I have been known to do a little dumpster diving).
--the soldiers. OK, I know I'm not the only one who heard about the dentist who buys back Halloween candy and sends it to the troops in Iraq. I think we should start a FFG movement: Snickers for the Soldiers. We could all pack up our Halloween loot and ship it off. I think that's a little more socially responsible than foisting it on your poor co-workers.
More ideas welcome!
And remember . . . These are Trying Times. And I mean that two ways . . . they’re HARD times (because Thanksgiving and Christmas and Hanukkah and New Years . . . they're following close behind). But they're also times to think about the fact that your goal is to Just Try. To take those little steps that add up to FFG success. And to forgive yourself when you stumble, trip, fall. To remember that ... tomorrow is another chance to start fresh.
Your partner in this journey,
Lisa D
4 Comments:
You're right about forgiving ourselves. Forgiveness means a fresh start and a chance at redemption.
My personal strategy on halloween? I buy something to pass out that I'd never eat myself. That way leftovers are easy to give away or throw out!
Halloween strategy:
1. Buy things I don't love but my hubby does and buy them at the very last minute
2. Kids' candy from trick or treating - they pick out 12 pieces that they want to keep (I will not eat any of their 12 pieces b/c it would be too obvious) and the rest they "trade" to mom and dad for a small book or toy that they've been wanting.
3. The traded items that hubby likes and any leftovers that he likes go to work with him the next day. Traded items that he doesn't like go directly into the trash can and are covered with coffee grounds or something equally gross
I have to have a strategy set in stone because in the past Halloween and the aftermath have not been pretty!!
But hey, forgiveness is vital whether it's Halloween or just another mindless afternoon munch session. We all slip back into the FG mentality on occasion, but the important difference is that we know enough now to stop the slide and rededicate immediately!
Angie :)
Hi Lisa,
First off, my favorite candy is peanut M&M's. I used to buy two of the bigger smaller bags every weekend for 5 years. When I went back to Weight Watchers in April, I stopped buying them altogether.
I must say I did indulge on Halloween with a few of the mini packs and half way through the 10th pack I said, "What am I doing?" And I swear I thought of you and your book and gently put the candy down. I was very busy last week and I know I over ate because of stress and exhaustion and I was trying to fill some empty place inside.
Oh.....sweet forgiveness. I did forgive myself and figured out I was trying to stay awake and find some balance and I chose poorly. This week is better. Since I work two jobs I organized and prepared my meals to take to work. I work in an Italian restaurant where real cream and butter sauces run freely over the pasta dishes. I am getting to the point where I'll say to myself, "If I eat this huge dish, I am going to feel bad about myself afterward." So then I regroup and choose better. I do not deprive myself, but slowly the craziness I felt over having no self control is going away. I love feeling more slender and watching my body change. I hope with all of my heart not to ever feel that heartbroken and bad about my body again.
It is a constant journey and it's wonderful and icky too. I am embracing forgiveness more and more and I still look forward to the ocassional mini pack of Peanut M&M's. Thank you for your beautiful candor and honesty and for your voice in my head. Take care.
Kelly
I had every intention to just skip Halloween this year. My kids are in their early 20s, I was going to eat out during trick or treat, etc. But, instead I found myself at the grocery store buying candy, just in case - although I knew there was a pretty good chance when I was buying my favorite candies (peanut butter cups/almond joy) that I was going to eat it myself.
To make things worse, why not pick up dinner from the deli? Meat loaf and stuffing. And, of course, dessert before the candy (german choc. cake).
Okay. Fine. A pig out, one day and then back on track, right? Wrong! From Halloween until this past Tuesday, I found myself drawn to the sweets and foods not on my WW core plan. I didn't even really want this stuff, just felt compelled to eat it. PMS or ... whatever.
But my fear wasn't that I was eating uncontrollably. My real fear was that I would gain back some of my hard earned 61.5 pounds that I have lost in the last two years.
For whatever reason, my body no longer seems to want to lose weight and really hasn't for about a year and while this is tough to accept since I am still slighly in the overweight category with a BMI of 26 and some nice rolls on my butt, hips, and waist. I really want to lose another 20 pounds.
I am really afraid that I will REGAIN my weight.
Thankfully, I am back on track and I recognize that I have the strenth to do this. I do forgive myself for my eating patterns of the last few days.
But I can't get past the fear that I won't make IT - whatever IT is.
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