I Just Want to Celebrate!
Hey--
So I'm finally--after shipping it back FIVE times ... and I am not exaggerating! ... sitting at my new desk in my new home office, writing to all of you. To say that the last two weeks have been interesting doesn't really say anything ... I feel, in many ways, so FREE. And that's not just because I've worn a bra exactly three times during that period (except for my sports bras when I run). I feel almost a literal weightlessness. Right after I told my boss I was quitting, I felt like I was flying during my 5 a.m. runs ... and that's saying a lot for this almost-47-year-old body. I was driving home after dropping Johnny off at kindergarten last week, and I just wanted to shout! I feel almost like I felt when I went scuba diving for the first time, off a Caribbean island called Bonaire. Suspended in a sea of nothing and everything, alone (in a good way) in the middle of nowhere/everywhere. Knowing that what I do and when I do it is up to ME (and, really it always has been!).
Anyway.
Before I lose you all in nonsensical profundity, to the point. I have been thinking for months now about how to celebrate. How to celebrate writing a book that was gestating in me for over 8 years. How to celebrate the amazing response it's gotten from women like you ... women all over the world (or at least in the US and the UK, thanks to today's Guest Book poster from across the pond!). To celebrate this amazing new life where, through FFG and through my new job, I'm really able to pursue my mission: to help make the lives of women from all walks of life a little healthier.
I've become a bit picky (picky? MOI?) about celebrations especially in the last several years. I LOVE my husband, but when I say I want to do something special, he automatically says ... "Where do you want to go for dinner?" I could really care less about dinner. And it's not because I'm such a Spartan that I can't let loose a bit. And it's not that I want to put Rick through all kinds of gyrations just to celebrate an anniversary or birthday. With us, it's the age-old man/woman thing: I JUST want a little creativity. But I can live with dinner out, or with a piece of jewelry (I should be grateful, right?).
But a birthday's a birthday; an anniversary's an anniversary--I will (hopefully!) have one every year for a long time to come. Writing the book, though ... that's been a DREAM of mine since I was a child. I still forget, some days, that I actually did it. How do you celebrate reaching a life goal? A dinner of cedar-planked salmon won't do it--EVEN with chocolate layer cake for dessert.
I have been talking about this with my friend Lynn a bit. Lynn and I were both dealing with major career issues this summer. She ended up snagging a HUGE promotion, right around the time that I got my new job. I think kvetching with her was what got me through a summer of horribly hot runs. So we have both been trying to figure out how we want to celebrate ... maybe with the other two women in our little running group. But we just haven't found anything that sounds special enough (that isn't a $5,000 week at a spa!). We've looked into weekend girls-only getaways that won't break our bank accounts, but nothing has jumped out at us yet. I'll keep you posted (and please let me know if you have any ideas!).
Why am I yammering on about this to you? Well, one of the things about being a Former Fat Girl is figuring out how to treat yourself in ways that don't involve food. When you take food off the table (pardon the pun) ... what is it that really makes you feel special? What is a true, soul-satisfying reward? I think it's especially hard to answer that question, because really, food wasn't it either. We use it as a substitute for what we REALLY want, REALLY need to be happy in life. It's easy to get so far out of touch that you don't even ASK yourself that question at all ... and when you do, it's not all that easy to figure out how to answer. I think one of the things that has helped me over the years (even though you know I OFTEN fall off the wagon!) is to have a list of really soul-satisfying, non-food rewards. Some of mine are (in no particular order):
--books ... preferably brand new ... from the bookstore
--an entire day to myself ... no children, husband, obligations (I call this one "heaven" ... at the same time that I feel completely guilty about it!)
--a trip to the movie theater BY MYSELF to see whatever I want ... with a small popcorn and diet coke!
--a GREAT pedicure, massage, or facial
--a long walk or hike with my dog
--staying at a great hotel (even if it's on business)
--seeing live music and/or theater
--a bike ride with my friend Jill, followed by a glass of wine and dinner at her house
--backpacking with my husband
--travel, of course ... especially to somewhere new ... whether it's by myself, with my husband and son, or with girlfriends
Just writing these down makes me feel renewed, somehow. Reminds me of the things I really LOVE and need to do more often. Brings me back to places and feelings and people that have made me the happiest.
I'd like to do a little experiment: First, if you have celebrated some huge life achievement in a creative way, please post! Second, use a post to write down your own list of rewards, and tell me how posting them here makes you feel. If you got as much out of it as I did, we might need to have a message board devoted JUST to this topic on FFG.com Version 2.0 (coming soon!).
Happy week!
Lisa D
So I'm finally--after shipping it back FIVE times ... and I am not exaggerating! ... sitting at my new desk in my new home office, writing to all of you. To say that the last two weeks have been interesting doesn't really say anything ... I feel, in many ways, so FREE. And that's not just because I've worn a bra exactly three times during that period (except for my sports bras when I run). I feel almost a literal weightlessness. Right after I told my boss I was quitting, I felt like I was flying during my 5 a.m. runs ... and that's saying a lot for this almost-47-year-old body. I was driving home after dropping Johnny off at kindergarten last week, and I just wanted to shout! I feel almost like I felt when I went scuba diving for the first time, off a Caribbean island called Bonaire. Suspended in a sea of nothing and everything, alone (in a good way) in the middle of nowhere/everywhere. Knowing that what I do and when I do it is up to ME (and, really it always has been!).
Anyway.
Before I lose you all in nonsensical profundity, to the point. I have been thinking for months now about how to celebrate. How to celebrate writing a book that was gestating in me for over 8 years. How to celebrate the amazing response it's gotten from women like you ... women all over the world (or at least in the US and the UK, thanks to today's Guest Book poster from across the pond!). To celebrate this amazing new life where, through FFG and through my new job, I'm really able to pursue my mission: to help make the lives of women from all walks of life a little healthier.
I've become a bit picky (picky? MOI?) about celebrations especially in the last several years. I LOVE my husband, but when I say I want to do something special, he automatically says ... "Where do you want to go for dinner?" I could really care less about dinner. And it's not because I'm such a Spartan that I can't let loose a bit. And it's not that I want to put Rick through all kinds of gyrations just to celebrate an anniversary or birthday. With us, it's the age-old man/woman thing: I JUST want a little creativity. But I can live with dinner out, or with a piece of jewelry (I should be grateful, right?).
But a birthday's a birthday; an anniversary's an anniversary--I will (hopefully!) have one every year for a long time to come. Writing the book, though ... that's been a DREAM of mine since I was a child. I still forget, some days, that I actually did it. How do you celebrate reaching a life goal? A dinner of cedar-planked salmon won't do it--EVEN with chocolate layer cake for dessert.
I have been talking about this with my friend Lynn a bit. Lynn and I were both dealing with major career issues this summer. She ended up snagging a HUGE promotion, right around the time that I got my new job. I think kvetching with her was what got me through a summer of horribly hot runs. So we have both been trying to figure out how we want to celebrate ... maybe with the other two women in our little running group. But we just haven't found anything that sounds special enough (that isn't a $5,000 week at a spa!). We've looked into weekend girls-only getaways that won't break our bank accounts, but nothing has jumped out at us yet. I'll keep you posted (and please let me know if you have any ideas!).
Why am I yammering on about this to you? Well, one of the things about being a Former Fat Girl is figuring out how to treat yourself in ways that don't involve food. When you take food off the table (pardon the pun) ... what is it that really makes you feel special? What is a true, soul-satisfying reward? I think it's especially hard to answer that question, because really, food wasn't it either. We use it as a substitute for what we REALLY want, REALLY need to be happy in life. It's easy to get so far out of touch that you don't even ASK yourself that question at all ... and when you do, it's not all that easy to figure out how to answer. I think one of the things that has helped me over the years (even though you know I OFTEN fall off the wagon!) is to have a list of really soul-satisfying, non-food rewards. Some of mine are (in no particular order):
--books ... preferably brand new ... from the bookstore
--an entire day to myself ... no children, husband, obligations (I call this one "heaven" ... at the same time that I feel completely guilty about it!)
--a trip to the movie theater BY MYSELF to see whatever I want ... with a small popcorn and diet coke!
--a GREAT pedicure, massage, or facial
--a long walk or hike with my dog
--staying at a great hotel (even if it's on business)
--seeing live music and/or theater
--a bike ride with my friend Jill, followed by a glass of wine and dinner at her house
--backpacking with my husband
--travel, of course ... especially to somewhere new ... whether it's by myself, with my husband and son, or with girlfriends
Just writing these down makes me feel renewed, somehow. Reminds me of the things I really LOVE and need to do more often. Brings me back to places and feelings and people that have made me the happiest.
I'd like to do a little experiment: First, if you have celebrated some huge life achievement in a creative way, please post! Second, use a post to write down your own list of rewards, and tell me how posting them here makes you feel. If you got as much out of it as I did, we might need to have a message board devoted JUST to this topic on FFG.com Version 2.0 (coming soon!).
Happy week!
Lisa D
posted by Lisa Delaney at
12:12 PM
19 Comments:
Lisa, congratulatons on your new job. That's how I felt when I finally left a really toxic job situation and got my current job (I also work at home).
Just wanted to let you know that this past week, I turned 30 -- and finished the Twin Cities Marathon... thank you for sharing your story with me last October when we met, becuase if you hadn't, I probably never would have had the guts to sign up!
~jessica (seaberg)
Tomorrow I leave for Florence, by myself. Well I'm visiting my dad in Geneva then off to Florence. I've had what has been without a doubt the most challenging year of my life. And I don't have the new job, and I haven't gotten rid of the 30 lbs I need to.
But I'm rewarding myself for surviving it - and moving forward.
Lisa,
I haven't accomplished a major life goal equivocal to writing a book, but here are some of my small non-food rewards:
- Sleeping in Saturday. I frequently do this as a reward for working all week. :)
- Spending the rest of Saturday to read a good book and restore myself emotionally. I don't do this one enough.
- Getting my car washed (not just the automatic washes at the gas station). For some reason this makes me feel like a responsible adult. Heh.
- Getting my hair cut.
- Taking a bath. This one is small and I use it often after a long hard day.
- Test driving my dream car. Yes, it is SOOO fun!
These are just little things I do for myself to keep me going. :)
Lisa, I enjoy reading how you are processing your life as a former fat girl. I am just wondering why we have to reward ourselves at all. Why can't we just feel good about a job well done? Seems like after a hard day of work I should be able to be content that I worked the best I could with the abilities I have and live out of that contentment. Past generations didn't reward themselves for doing the right thing or even hard things. They just accepted that the contentment and joy they felt about being the best person they could be in the moment were enough. I think we set ourselves up in a bad way when we always have to reward ourselves. I am not saying that we shouldn't be proud of our accomplishments nor work hard to achieve our goals, but why can't satisfaction in a job well done be reward enough? I'll check back to see what you and others think about this. Karen
I too have been thniking a bit about rewards and celebrations. It has been a tough year -- a very tough year putting a child through college and supporting my aging and sick parents -- I kept my head down and focused on pushing through it. This past Sunday I woke up and realized that my husband and I are nearly in the clear, having meet the demands of the year and our goals. It was a ton of work and sacrifice. Sunday was a beautiful northeastern fall morning. A great day to celebrate. How? That special bottle of champaign a friend brought back from France and gave me last Christmas? Spa Day? A long walk with the hubbie and dog? A movie? A day in bed? Then it hit me: golf -- 18 holes of golf at a beautiful course. That is how we celebrated.
I want to reply to the anonymous post about needing rewards. You know, I was thinking about that too as I was writing the other day. Why do I need a reward? Why can't I just be content with the great things in my life? As I was putting together my list of "rewards" ... I thought so much more about the little things that I love about my life that are so intangible that I can't really list them. Like the conversations I have with my son in the car on the way home from school, or when we go for a hike ... the way he makes up stories and says "Um, Mommy?" in this cute little voice. Or hugging my dog. or just looking around me and thinking ... how did I get here, to this imperfect but perfect adult life ... with a brain that's in fairly good working order, a body that's strong and healthy, a family that's beautiful and loving, work that's challenging.
I still love all those things I listed as "rewards." But maybe I should think of them differently ... as just a part of life. Maybe I have deluded myself into thinking I NEED rewards ... because I have the need to justify treating myself right in life. And that goes back to all that self-sacrificing behavior that I fight against as a Former Fat Girl.
Hmmm. Certainly a lot for me to chew on. What do the rest of you think?
We all are different, but I think in general the basic principles of positive & negative reinforcement still apply.
We would not work so hard without that paycheck, or some other positive effect (aka reward). I would not be working out at 615 in the morning if I wasn't expecting some positive result (however far away it may be...).
But that is just the thing for me: my 'ultimate' positive reinforcement is so far down the road, and all I feel right now is sore and tired. If I consider a bath a small reward for my workout that day, it breaks up the work into small pieces. It's more like a mental pat on the back: 'I did it today, I can do it tomorrow.'
In addition, I believe that it is more about the journey than the destination. I choose to litter my journey with rewards, and not punishment. :)
Lisa-
I think your comment hit it right on the head. We do not think that we deserve to treat ourselves well, so we give "rewards" for "good behavior." Instead of my making a deal with myself that I had to lose 2 pounds to use that fab new purse, perhaps I should have just gotten myself the purse and used it right away...
But it is hard to treat oneself, especially after a lifetime of being the fat girl, the one who always puts everyone else first. It's hard to just go and get a pedicure, much easier to say "I drank all my water every day this week so I deserve it." I would love to get to the point in my life where I can be satisfied with myself and my accomplishments and take a nice warm hug from my kids as reward enough and when I want a new purse, if I can afford it just get it!!
But for now, I still have the reward system in place. When I FINALLY get back to my lowest weight since elementary school that I reached in 2004 (that 3rd pregnancy weight has been hard to lose!), I WILL get myself a pair of obscenely expensive premium denim jeans!
Angie :)
My husband and I celebrated moving back to our home state by taking a day trip, where we snapped photographs of our favorite landmarks and having them blown up. We have a skyline shot (24x36) and several of a lake (5x7 and collage) that remind us of the fun we had. It wasn't expensive and it wasn't food!
I'm glad to hear that you were finally able to get your desk, that would drive me bananas!
I agree with your list, for me a special moment is walking barefoot on the beach and just listing to the tide roll in. It's a romantic walk with your loved one that can out-do anything food has to offer if you're in the right state of mind.
My list isn't as long as yours, but that may be that I haven't set many high goals for myself. The big one right now is getting to my goal weight and with about 30 pounds to go, I do have that feeling of accomplishment but getting to the finish line is going to be the ultimate thing for me.
I'm working on getting my Amazon list in order for this months purchases. I've been reading your site long enough to the point that it's time to pick up your book :)
Hurrah for Rewards! I like to mark passages in my life. One of the rewards that has meant the most to me, was paying for the getup to participate in my college graduation. I was broke at the time, and couldn't necessarily afford it....but after growing up in a small town, and barely graduating from high school...wearing that honor cord and taking the time to awknowledge all my hard work meant the world to me.
I spent most of my high school years taking care of my younger siblings (3) and it felt pretty awesome to devote myself to academics in college, to be the best I could be, rather than always putting my family first.
I think rewards are important, not necessarily for their intrinsic value, but for what they symbolize to every individual.
I was inspired by reading just that short post or yours and I definitely going to go out and find your book. I think it would be right up my alley at this point in my life. I am and have been recovering from a serious accident last Halloween, and as the anniversary approaches, I find myself becoming anxious over whether or not my progress up to this point is good enough. Most of my other injuries are almost completely healed, but I know that I will always have a very very bad knee and therefore weight loss is a very important goal to me. I've always been a big girl, although athletic even throughout college, I never had good eating habits. So now it is simply about learning to find satiation in all the other great things in life not revolving around food. Overall, I feel that your book will be something of great relevance to me right now and I appreciate having those out there than I can relate too and that have succeeded to give me some encouragement. I'll post back after I've read it.
De
What a great accomplishment. I have read your book and want you to know I thought it was very well written. Over the past year I have lost 20 lbs- I still have 5 to go but getting to 20 was a major accomplishment. It's taken a long time but has been a journey of discovery for me. I have 4 children -ages 5,7, 9 & 11 and it's just over this past year that I feel that now is MY time- time to give back to myself. Some of the ways I have learned to reward myself without food over this year are:
1. Reading! (I am an english lit major and used to read all the time. I went on a hiatus while the kids were little, so it's great to be able to read for pleasure again)
2. Walking my dog
3. Pedicures, facials, -any spa treatment I can afford!
4. Exercising - for ME
5. Buying new clothes- in smaller sizes (I got rid of ALL my larger clothes)
6. Crochet- I always wanted to learn but never 'gave' myself the time.
Sorry this is so long but I actually bought a notebook to start journaling again and haven't used it. There was a lot I wanted to tell myself! Thank you for your website and forum for FFG's!
Don't you mean you COULD NOT care less about dinner?
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