Greetings from the Un-comfort Zone!
New job, Day One.
For the first time in 12 years, I did not get in my car and drive the 11-minute commute to an office.
And it feels completely weird.
My last day at my old job was a week ago Friday ... capping an emotional two weeks from when I first announced my departure. Actually, the whole summer has been emotional for me, but it got even harder when I had to explain my decision to leave to the people I'd worked with for so long. The best thing about it was having the chance to tell them, once and for all, how much I valued them, and to hear how much they valued me. Funny ... or maybe that's not the right word? ... that we wait until someone's leaving to give them the compliments, the credit, the thank yous they've deserved for so long. As a manager, I tried to do that as I was pushing my employees to do their best, but I know I didn't say "thank you, great job" often enough. And I didn't hear it enough either. One of the things ... the most important things ... I'm taking with me out of this whole experience is the lesson that you can never say thank you enough.
Anyway ...
Now, I am here, in my makeshift office. I had last week off ... purportedly to get the "perfect" home office set up for my new beginning. And you know how it goes when you set out to do the "perfect" anything ... s*&^% happens. Like my son, who hasn't been sick in literally two years (and at age six, that's a third of his life!) ... ends up in the nurse's office at school with a sore throat and fever. He's still not right ... home from school on my first day. In the other room, watching Scooby Doo while I try to learn this whole new thing. Then, the desk I ordered online ... the matching file cabinets didn't exactly match. Instead of sending two white ones, they sent one black and one white. I'm sure the HGTV Design Star person could make it work, but not me. So, I had to pack an entire file cabinet up and send it back. Got the replacement quick--and, when I opened it this morning, on my first day of work, all ready to fill it up with nice, shiny new files, I discover that the veneer is peeling off. So it's back in the box, waiting on my porch for yet another UPS guy to pick it up. Let's hope the third time's a charm.
I've been thinking a lot about "perfect" the last week or so, and not just because things haven't exactly been going as planned. I read last week about a new study that showed how women today are much less satisfied, much less happy than they were in the 70s. The editorial commentators thought this was curious, particularly in the light of all the progress that has been made over these 30 some-odd years ... you know, women in space, Hillary a viable presidential candidate, females outnumbering males in the workplace as well as in colleges, younger women out-earning younger men ... With all that progress, what do we have to be sour about? But they pointed out that all these new developments have just added more to our to-do lists. Clean the toilets, check. Pack kids' lunches, check. Pay light bill, check. Solve health-care crisis, check.
I see myself in all of this, you know. That's me ... the one whose first impulse is to sign up for all of it. To hand-make the kid's Halloween costume. To host Thanksgiving dinner for my in-laws. To say I'll help out at my OLD job, while I've not even wrapped my head around the NEW one. To say yes to anyone who even hints that they might need me. To set myself up as the Go-To Girl once again. And to walk around in a chronic state of dissatisfaction, inadequacy, self-doubt, because I can never, ever do it all PERFECTLY.
And I'm not the only one. This perfectionism, all-or-nothing, over-achieving thing is something I believe Future Former Fat Girls and Former Fat Girls share. It's at the very heart of why we can't seem to drop those damn pounds in the first place. It's what drives us to eat the whole half-gallon of butter pecan because we screwed up and had a spoonful ... when we promised ourselves we wouldn't. It's what keeps us on the couch because we don't have a full hour to exercise, so why do anything at all? It's why we can't imagine how we could find time to cook a great healthy dish instead of run through the drive-through--not with all those Very Important Commitments to Everyone But Ourselves.
Isn't it interesting that not only have we become more dissatisfied over the last 30 years, we have become heavier, too. The expectations we have of ourselves--to make costumes worthy of Martha, to cook meals as good as Giada, to have skin as smooth as those smiling women in the Botox commercials (without Botox!)--create so much stress that we dive into our pantries for solace. Food has become even more of a refuge from the demands of the world, as the world has become even more demanding.
Yes, I am a Former Fat Girl--I've lost the weight, I've kept it off. I have become a different person than I was 20 years ago. But these perfectionistic tendencies are things I deal with every day, even now--just as I still use INO (It's Not an Option) to keep me from stealing into the kitchen for an M&M cookie (I know EXACTLY where they are in the pantry ... and how many are left!). All I can do is try, every day, to see the world ... and MYSELF ... as the imperfect thing it is, to roll with it when things don't go according to plan. To forgive ... myself, my circumstances, whatever ...
And that's what I'm doing right now, sitting at the plastic card table my husband uses to display his screws and sawblades (he sells hardware for a living) instead of my gleaming antique white desk in my cozy, little workspace. Not exactly a "perfect" start.
But, it's a start. And that's good enough, for now.
Lisa D
For the first time in 12 years, I did not get in my car and drive the 11-minute commute to an office.
And it feels completely weird.
My last day at my old job was a week ago Friday ... capping an emotional two weeks from when I first announced my departure. Actually, the whole summer has been emotional for me, but it got even harder when I had to explain my decision to leave to the people I'd worked with for so long. The best thing about it was having the chance to tell them, once and for all, how much I valued them, and to hear how much they valued me. Funny ... or maybe that's not the right word? ... that we wait until someone's leaving to give them the compliments, the credit, the thank yous they've deserved for so long. As a manager, I tried to do that as I was pushing my employees to do their best, but I know I didn't say "thank you, great job" often enough. And I didn't hear it enough either. One of the things ... the most important things ... I'm taking with me out of this whole experience is the lesson that you can never say thank you enough.
Anyway ...
Now, I am here, in my makeshift office. I had last week off ... purportedly to get the "perfect" home office set up for my new beginning. And you know how it goes when you set out to do the "perfect" anything ... s*&^% happens. Like my son, who hasn't been sick in literally two years (and at age six, that's a third of his life!) ... ends up in the nurse's office at school with a sore throat and fever. He's still not right ... home from school on my first day. In the other room, watching Scooby Doo while I try to learn this whole new thing. Then, the desk I ordered online ... the matching file cabinets didn't exactly match. Instead of sending two white ones, they sent one black and one white. I'm sure the HGTV Design Star person could make it work, but not me. So, I had to pack an entire file cabinet up and send it back. Got the replacement quick--and, when I opened it this morning, on my first day of work, all ready to fill it up with nice, shiny new files, I discover that the veneer is peeling off. So it's back in the box, waiting on my porch for yet another UPS guy to pick it up. Let's hope the third time's a charm.
I've been thinking a lot about "perfect" the last week or so, and not just because things haven't exactly been going as planned. I read last week about a new study that showed how women today are much less satisfied, much less happy than they were in the 70s. The editorial commentators thought this was curious, particularly in the light of all the progress that has been made over these 30 some-odd years ... you know, women in space, Hillary a viable presidential candidate, females outnumbering males in the workplace as well as in colleges, younger women out-earning younger men ... With all that progress, what do we have to be sour about? But they pointed out that all these new developments have just added more to our to-do lists. Clean the toilets, check. Pack kids' lunches, check. Pay light bill, check. Solve health-care crisis, check.
I see myself in all of this, you know. That's me ... the one whose first impulse is to sign up for all of it. To hand-make the kid's Halloween costume. To host Thanksgiving dinner for my in-laws. To say I'll help out at my OLD job, while I've not even wrapped my head around the NEW one. To say yes to anyone who even hints that they might need me. To set myself up as the Go-To Girl once again. And to walk around in a chronic state of dissatisfaction, inadequacy, self-doubt, because I can never, ever do it all PERFECTLY.
And I'm not the only one. This perfectionism, all-or-nothing, over-achieving thing is something I believe Future Former Fat Girls and Former Fat Girls share. It's at the very heart of why we can't seem to drop those damn pounds in the first place. It's what drives us to eat the whole half-gallon of butter pecan because we screwed up and had a spoonful ... when we promised ourselves we wouldn't. It's what keeps us on the couch because we don't have a full hour to exercise, so why do anything at all? It's why we can't imagine how we could find time to cook a great healthy dish instead of run through the drive-through--not with all those Very Important Commitments to Everyone But Ourselves.
Isn't it interesting that not only have we become more dissatisfied over the last 30 years, we have become heavier, too. The expectations we have of ourselves--to make costumes worthy of Martha, to cook meals as good as Giada, to have skin as smooth as those smiling women in the Botox commercials (without Botox!)--create so much stress that we dive into our pantries for solace. Food has become even more of a refuge from the demands of the world, as the world has become even more demanding.
Yes, I am a Former Fat Girl--I've lost the weight, I've kept it off. I have become a different person than I was 20 years ago. But these perfectionistic tendencies are things I deal with every day, even now--just as I still use INO (It's Not an Option) to keep me from stealing into the kitchen for an M&M cookie (I know EXACTLY where they are in the pantry ... and how many are left!). All I can do is try, every day, to see the world ... and MYSELF ... as the imperfect thing it is, to roll with it when things don't go according to plan. To forgive ... myself, my circumstances, whatever ...
And that's what I'm doing right now, sitting at the plastic card table my husband uses to display his screws and sawblades (he sells hardware for a living) instead of my gleaming antique white desk in my cozy, little workspace. Not exactly a "perfect" start.
But, it's a start. And that's good enough, for now.
Lisa D
4 Comments:
When I first started working from home I used the sideboard in the living room. With lovely cardboard boxes all around...And I used to have to plug in the printer with an extension cord. It makes me laugh to remember it! Now a year later I have an office with storage and a desk and everything that I've fully moved into. It takes some time,but you will get there.
Great post. I've often wondered if striving for the middle is key to embracing the uncomfortable space between all or nothing. Although when I strive for it, I feel like a loser. These issues just don't go away I guess.
Hi Lisa,
Excellent words, as always. I have had people call me a perfectionist and it made me mad, but it's true. I am slowly trying to let go of that "perfect" burden.
I am so happy you are working from home and diving right in to this new, scary, wonderful "uncomfortable" place. I have been trying so many uncomfortable things lately that it makes me giggle. I thought of you last night while training for my new, second job as a waitress. Part of the training was to sample some of the menu items. I did try some of the food, but without drowning the appetizers in ranch dressing, like I would have before reading your book. I had saved about 10 WWatcher's points in anticipation, and I know I went over and it was OK. Now I know what to expect for the remainder of the training and I woke up today filled with great esteem (a little tired) and started over, knowing I could. I have you to thank so sincerely for being in my head last night when I could have gone sooooo overboard and then felt awful about myself afterward. I hope I have thanked you enough for how you have helped me change my thinking about food forever and how you helped me save my life. I wish you continued, great success and happiness and a speedy recovery to your son.
Take care,
KRG
Your post hit me on a number of levels!!
First, I want to say I just finished your book and really enjoyed it. I am an FFG and have recently become a Weight Watchers leader, so I think a lot of what you said in the book is applicable to me and to the members with whom I work.
OK, I work 2 jobs from home from a desk in the corner of my kitchen surrounded by piles of papers and a plastic file cabinet. I drem of the day when I have even 1/2 of a room devoted just to my work! Your office will come around.
About the perfectionism...I hear you, sister! Do we become fat girls because we do everything for everybody else and leave ourselves last or do we try to do everything for everybody else to make them like us in spite of our fat? Kind of like the chicken or the egg question...Currently I am on the PTA Exec Board for my oldest, in the midst of a huge project for my younger children's nursery school, working 2 jobs, being a mostly stay-at-home mom and trying my darndest to get exercise at least a few times a week. More often than not lately my exercise has been jogging at 6 am before my kids wake up. When I was in the midst of reading your book, I was asked to teach religious education at my church and was actually able to make myself say "no." It was a baby step but an important one!
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