Postcard from The Edge
Hi, everyone--
I have to tell you a story. Yesterday, I was taping a segment for our local Fox 6 TV station on my book (so strange for me to think I will be on TV! Next Tuesday in Birmingham!). It was actually really fun, and easier than I thought it would be--I had a great conversation with the reporter, Devon Walsh, about my story and the secrets I used to finally drop the weight. At one point, she asked me to read out loud a couple of portions from the book. I read a bit from the introduction, where I talked about how being a "fat girl" isn't really just about weight--it's about what's in your head (one of THE most important points in the book). And then Devon asked me to read a part that kind of sums up my journey. So I turned to the final page of Chapter 7, and read the part about how my son knows me as someone who "stands up for herself," who looks at life as "one uncomfortable adventure."
Wow.
Not that it was such a great bit of prose or anything. But those words hit me hard: I have slipped back into that self-sacrificing role ... I've lost a bit of that Former Fat Girl me in the day to day of getting it done ... all of a sudden, I'm back in my comfort zone, afraid to do what I need to do with my life. Argh.
Isn't that always the way? You think you have it all figured out, and then something happens and you realize ... oops, there I go again. And it's funny--I think I have put more pressure on myself to have all the answers since this book has come out, to be the perfect Former Fat Girl, all the while yakking about how perfection isn't possible. The truth is, I still struggle with all that stuff--the self-sacrificing, the perfectionism, the fear of disappointing, of not being loved. I struggle with that more than with the desire to run to the pantry for a 4:42 a.m. snack (as you can see, I haven't been sleeping much lately). And that's saying A LOT, you know.
I knew the last couple of months have been out of control--work wise, home wise, everything wise--that I'm doing too much, that I'm so overwhelmed with work, in particular, that I'm not at my best at home. But until I read that passage, I just didn't get how far gone I was. Part of it is the usual thing that happens when I'm going through a transition. The struggle to get to a decision is always so much harder for me than dealing with the aftermath. I always think about the first time I went rappelling. If you've never been, you should totally do it. It's the perfect thing for Former Fat Girls and Future FFGs: It's all about trust and risk. The hardest part is backing over the edge, those two or three seconds (more if you're really freaking out) where you're going from vertical to horizontal, where you're testing the ropes to see if they can REALLY hold your weight (that was a big thing for me my first time!). Once I got over the edge, the rest was easy--even fun--and all the more satisfying, knowing just how scary it was looking down from the top.
I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for what I want. I'm better at knowing what I DON'T want than what I DO want. What's that about? Maybe it's because I'm so tuned into other people's needs, anticipating them so I can make sure I'm right there, plugging the holes, getting it done, being the hero. I'm so focused on THEM that when it comes to ME, I'm speechless (and I'm not speechless about much, let me tell you!). I also think it's part of being a fat girl--we eat as a diversion, we numb ourselves to our true needs and desires with food.
But I think I have finally turned a corner. Figured out what I want to do about my situation, even started the conversation I need to have (but not finished it ... which also makes things harder). I know I'm being cryptic--I can't really broadcast what I'm thinking about just yet--but let's just say my goal is to have more time for blogging, more time for you, more time for me, more time for Johnny (who starts kindergarten next week, by the way!), more time for living. I will have an update for you in a few weeks, I promise. In the meantime, let me hear from you. Do you have trouble figuring out what you want--and then making it happen? Any tips, or word of encouragement (my, the tables have turned!) for me, as I work through this mysterious issue in my life? I would love to hear ...
Thanks for listening--
Lisa D
I have to tell you a story. Yesterday, I was taping a segment for our local Fox 6 TV station on my book (so strange for me to think I will be on TV! Next Tuesday in Birmingham!). It was actually really fun, and easier than I thought it would be--I had a great conversation with the reporter, Devon Walsh, about my story and the secrets I used to finally drop the weight. At one point, she asked me to read out loud a couple of portions from the book. I read a bit from the introduction, where I talked about how being a "fat girl" isn't really just about weight--it's about what's in your head (one of THE most important points in the book). And then Devon asked me to read a part that kind of sums up my journey. So I turned to the final page of Chapter 7, and read the part about how my son knows me as someone who "stands up for herself," who looks at life as "one uncomfortable adventure."
Wow.
Not that it was such a great bit of prose or anything. But those words hit me hard: I have slipped back into that self-sacrificing role ... I've lost a bit of that Former Fat Girl me in the day to day of getting it done ... all of a sudden, I'm back in my comfort zone, afraid to do what I need to do with my life. Argh.
Isn't that always the way? You think you have it all figured out, and then something happens and you realize ... oops, there I go again. And it's funny--I think I have put more pressure on myself to have all the answers since this book has come out, to be the perfect Former Fat Girl, all the while yakking about how perfection isn't possible. The truth is, I still struggle with all that stuff--the self-sacrificing, the perfectionism, the fear of disappointing, of not being loved. I struggle with that more than with the desire to run to the pantry for a 4:42 a.m. snack (as you can see, I haven't been sleeping much lately). And that's saying A LOT, you know.
I knew the last couple of months have been out of control--work wise, home wise, everything wise--that I'm doing too much, that I'm so overwhelmed with work, in particular, that I'm not at my best at home. But until I read that passage, I just didn't get how far gone I was. Part of it is the usual thing that happens when I'm going through a transition. The struggle to get to a decision is always so much harder for me than dealing with the aftermath. I always think about the first time I went rappelling. If you've never been, you should totally do it. It's the perfect thing for Former Fat Girls and Future FFGs: It's all about trust and risk. The hardest part is backing over the edge, those two or three seconds (more if you're really freaking out) where you're going from vertical to horizontal, where you're testing the ropes to see if they can REALLY hold your weight (that was a big thing for me my first time!). Once I got over the edge, the rest was easy--even fun--and all the more satisfying, knowing just how scary it was looking down from the top.
I think one of the hardest things for me to do is to ask for what I want. I'm better at knowing what I DON'T want than what I DO want. What's that about? Maybe it's because I'm so tuned into other people's needs, anticipating them so I can make sure I'm right there, plugging the holes, getting it done, being the hero. I'm so focused on THEM that when it comes to ME, I'm speechless (and I'm not speechless about much, let me tell you!). I also think it's part of being a fat girl--we eat as a diversion, we numb ourselves to our true needs and desires with food.
But I think I have finally turned a corner. Figured out what I want to do about my situation, even started the conversation I need to have (but not finished it ... which also makes things harder). I know I'm being cryptic--I can't really broadcast what I'm thinking about just yet--but let's just say my goal is to have more time for blogging, more time for you, more time for me, more time for Johnny (who starts kindergarten next week, by the way!), more time for living. I will have an update for you in a few weeks, I promise. In the meantime, let me hear from you. Do you have trouble figuring out what you want--and then making it happen? Any tips, or word of encouragement (my, the tables have turned!) for me, as I work through this mysterious issue in my life? I would love to hear ...
Thanks for listening--
Lisa D
12 Comments:
are you getting divorced?
I am there too- for the first time in a Very long time (if ever) I feel as if I'm beginning the work of finding out what I want.
As a FFG, a middle child, and someone who has just lost her mother - everyone else's needs have always come before mine.
But now is for me.
You inspire me :) keep writing!
It’s not so much the decision as your attitude towards the results. If you don’t do A, will that be okay? If you stay with the current sitch, will that be all right? If you choose B and it doesn’t turn out as planned, what next?
We can try to come up with every contingency, but we’re only human. No one’s perfect. Even inaction is action. Enough clichés yet?
Just because you decide on a course to follow doesn’t mean you won’t have to turn around a second later and chart a new one. That’s the adventure part.
That’s the best part.
This is what I know. Your book and words were so powerful to me, it really did change my life. I took a long, hard look at my life and all the people in it. There were huge heartbreaks, but at least I know who will support me. I am very careful who I share my dreams with, because there are so many nay-sayers. I agree with you that we do get so comfortable even after our most uncomfortable situations have become better. It can make me angry and so sad for all of the years I chose everyone else first. But now, I am choosing me and some days it's hard, but nothing can replace that feeling. Please know this.....you are doing the best you can. And you have been so instrumental in transforming hundreds of lives, pretty soon, thousands. Never forget your courage and strength and what it took to get here. Your grace and kindness has affected so many. Rest when you can and keep going and thank you for all that you've done.
Dear Lisa,
You have been an inspiration to so many of us. But you are putting way to much pressure on yourself. You don't have to have all of the answers all of the time. No one can. I recently read a book that may or may not be applicable to your current situation. Even if it isn't is sure is food for thought. The title: "I was a really good mom before I had kids" by Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile. The book discusses how we as women put enormous pressure on ourselves to "DO IT ALL". It will definitely put a smile on your face. But the reason I suggest it is page 61.
Six easy steps for making peace with your choices.
1. Realize that expectations can influence your choices. Make sure you're making conscious choices based on what you really want, not what is expected of you.
2. Consider what you don't want. By eliminating what is not right, what is right becomes clear.
3. Go back to your core principles and values. Use these to drive your choices.
4. Consider why you're feeling overloaded. It may not be just one big thing; all of those little things can add up to chaos. Making a few small changes might bring big relief.
5. Let go of the pressure to do it all and to do it all perfectly. Sometimes, it's OK for things to be "good enough."
6. Once you make a choice, make a rule not to second-guess yourself. Deciding to make peace with your choices will help keep you from being so swayed by others (and yourself).
Not knowing what you are dealing with makes advice tough, but I hope this helps you. Just remember, as you pointed out to all of us, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Good luck,
I wanted to know which Quick and Simple magazine you were in. I read your book and loved it! It was the first book that I've completely read in over 20 years! It was like I was reading a book about myself.
I think that the most important thing to remember is that everything is a PROCESS. I, personally, hate that reality, but have come to realize that it's the only way to be a better/different person than you used to be. I will be turning 52 in about a week and when I was younger, I thought I'd have everything figured out by now and my life would be smooth sailing. Well, God had other plans for me and while I still get kind of ticked off that my life didn't go according to my plans, I have realized that going through the PROCESS is actually a good thing. I'm a better woman, wife, mother, grandmother, friend, employee, daughter, sister. I hate change, but I do want to look back at my life and see that I did something meaningful and important.
You have accomplished SO MUCH and you have helped SO many people understand what happens to us as FAT GIRLS. I don't know what it is that you are dealing with right now (and I don't necessarily need to know) but I wish you good luck. Remember what an impact you've had in our personal lives without knowing us "personally". I think you are FAB!
Anyone who is at a crossroads knows that feeling of uncertainty -- there is no way to no which is the right path to take, so you have to just take one and decide that it's the right one. And if it's not, then you come up with a new plan! Two years ago I had to force myself to leave a comfortable but boring job I had been in for 12 years. I didn't know whether my new job was right for me or not -- turns out it wasn't. But leaving was still the right thing for me to do. I'm just following a series of stepping stones to get to the right place. Each stone along the way is not the right place for me, but it gets me a little bit closer. As Geddy Lee once said, "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." ;-) So make a choice, and if it's not the right one, then when you've had enough, make another choice! Good luck!
I am reading your book right now. It is super good!
You keep doing what you do, you are wonderful!!
Hey, everyone--thanks for these kind words. You guys inspire ME ... it's really so humbling and amazing that you all relate so well to what I'm saying when I'm sharing from the heart. I'm working through this struggle ... hope to begin to see a light at the end of the tunnel soon. And no, I'm not getting divorced ... although rereading that post, I can see where you thought that! But actually, that comment kind of puts it all in perspective for me. Sometimes I take myself too seriously ... Anyway, thanks for all your encouraging words. Lisa D
Oh my god.
Lisa, I saw the blurb about your appearance on Fox 6, and got to your website by linking from theirs.
I haven't read your book yet, but you can bet I will get my grubby chubby hands on it as fast as I can. This blog post could have been written by me, with the exception of the kid stuff.
I'm definitely not a Former Fat Girl, although there is a little less of me now than there was at one point, but I have to read your book now.
lisa, i don't give a crap what you think, you rock!!!! keep on runnin, no matter what the reason, it will resurface again!!! you are a huge inspiration to me!!! i miss seeing you on the road!-kathleen
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